General Chat

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly
again for 2 days then skip a day ...
And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should
have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
lbs!

'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...

'I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I taught I were going to drop dead
on that third day.'

'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the bl*ody skippin!'

:-D :-D :-D

Patrick got married.
On the wedding night his new wife was spread eagled in the middle of the bed.

She says to Pat you know what I want.

Pat replied,the whole of the bed by the look of it.

.................and to another one after the dunkings he would say HAVE YO' FOUND JAYSUS, and the reply was " ARE you sure he fell in, Here............."

Then there was the tale of the missionary converting(baptising) the natives,in the river, he would take an individual, and in the waist deep water would dunk the poor fellow for a few seconds......and would haul him out with the cry "DUZZ YA BELEEVE?" the reply amid choking sounds would be "Yass sur Ah Duzz belleeve....." again the missionary would dunk him again, and once more " Duzz Ya Belleeeve? Yassur Ah Duzzz beeleeve..............and after dunking for the third time...........the cry Duzzz ya beeleeve was met with the reply Yassur Ah duzz beeleeve...............and WHAT duzz ya beeleeve?........... Sah he says AH beeleeves Yo is tryin tuh drown me!!!!

funniest thread for ages

So might he yet ......


:-D :-D :-D

Makes you wonder if I had post Bobtanian's joke would I have been RR'd ?

aah knaa noo. Thanks for the translation Elizabeth. ;-) ;-)

GP

GP - if you said "aal deay"?

I didn't get that Aldi joke. :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)

GP

Wonder if those vans Advertising "Snap on Tools" do much trade. :-D :-D :-D

LUV 'EM ALL...LES....... :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D <3 <3 <3 :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

I got my cheque back fom Screw Fix Direct,apparently they're not a dating agency

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D Loved it! - Hope it stays!

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

:-D :-D

sally w <3

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

very droll!!