General Chat

My eldest daughter is off to Oxford University on Tuesday. It's only a taster day, but she may well be put in for early entry - she has been doing a preparation for Oxbridge course all year. I have to admit I have no clues abt university and how things work so struggling to advise her. It scares me that this time next year or earlier she could be living and studying away from home - living independently that is. Do all parents feel this way? Do all parents worry abt it all? I wish I knew how to advise x

So hard FA. I wanted my son to go to Bangor, my old College. He went to the Open Day there and a couple of others. He dismissed Bangor straight away - just did not feel right to him. And he loved the campus at Glamorgan (Trefforest). And I think he made the right decision, even though he got enough points for Bangor and 80 more than he needed for Trefforest.

Harder with Oxford and Cambridge. I suppose each College has its own identity and ethos. But she must feel comfortable with it, and the support mechanisms (Student Services, Finance, Accomodation) must be good.

It's all over my head tbf I left with nothing and have had to work up. I don't think she will choose Oxford or Cambridge but her choice. I just wish I could advise her. She is sensible enough though she knows what she wants to do its having enough confidence in herself to do it x

My experience of myself and both my children is that they make friends from 3 areas.

1. Their floor in hall of residence. Most are in halls for first year and they live with 5-7 other students. They are initially your best friends. You cook together, you walk round campus together, you shop together, you go to pub together.
2. People on your course. You go to lectures and seminars (small groups) together and chat on way. You help each other with course work.
3. People in clubs and societies. You need to pick 2 or 3 interests - about a thousand are thrown at you during freshers week (week for new students before Year 2, Year 3 return). It might be hockey and jazz you choose, for example - those members will also become good friends. :-)

Brilliant news - she must have worked so hard, and you are a proud if nervous mum.

John is right - what may sound wonderful from the Prospectus, doesn't gel when they pay a visit.

Yes true she is very excited to go visit. Yes I feel v proud she has worked v hard. Secretly I hope she chooses one not too far from home. But for the record she won't be going to no pubs!

How brilliant FootieAngel ! what a great opportunity for your daughter! Oxford is a lovely place, well certainly was when I visited it, lots of happy looking students, great bookshops! Cambridge I have only been through a long time ago.

There will be lots of support to help her settle in I'm sure, they are geared to it, and there will be lots of others starting with her who feel the same.

l'm sure all parents feel the same, I haven't got to that point yet! But you worry, naturally, about them choosing what will make them happiest. All you can do is be positive and support as much as you can :-D

I guess so. I said today that she should ask lots of questions and air any concerns. It's also weird to think Im the mother of adult children who have their own adult responsibilities. I'm sure it will all come good in the end. Thank you all for your kind comments x

Talking about pubs, we used to have a real ale club, whisky appreciation society and Newcastle Brown on draft club at Bangor - and less than 3,000 students in total in those days. Newcastle Brown on draft was very popular.

Possibly there will be a frappe club where they can spend a couple of hours with mangoes and bananas and ice making all sorts of exotic drinks and chatting. Amazing how many clubs there can be at Uni :-) Something for absolutely everybody.

She won't be going to whiskey clubs or real ale clubs! She can stick to diminish and droughts x

Many Uni's have a 'buddy' system to help Freshers settle in. Which ever Uni she chooses, there is an accepted signal that they leave their door wide open (when in there) to indicate that they are willing to chat. Every one is a nervous as each other, Mums as well.

As long as she doesn't mind being in a place where alcohol is sold, she can always stick with soft drinks!
Suggest she looks at the various Uni's web sites to see what Societies they have.

Ty sounds like a grt idea x

I was lucky that my daughter went to Uni only 3 miles away, so was able to stay at home, little did I know that after she got her degree with honers she would go and live across the other side of the world ;-)

Carol

Well done to your daughter. My nephew went to Oxford and another went to Bath. They are both now in good jobs. the one that went to Bath studied music and is in a group. Will be playing at Glastonbury after just returning from America. Good Luck to her for her future xx

I hope your daughter does well whatever she decides to do.

FootieAngel .............


what an exciting time for your daughter


Best to keep your eyes, ears and mouth, all of them, very firmly closed though after September, and possibly even before!

The less you know the better ........... and I speak from experience :-D

For the record ......... I have 2 degrees, OH has 2 degrees and taught at a university for almost 40 years, daughter and son-i-l both have 4 degrees. I went up to university in 1959, and have been involved with students since 1964.


From both personal and professional experience, I would suggest .............

she feel VERY comfortable with the residences she is shown, and the advisors she meets on any "taster day" at any university.

that she VERY carefully consider the programmes offered by any university, and ensure that they provide the courses that she needs.

that, in choosing her options, she try to keep them as open as possible for as long as she can. This allows her more choices as she proceeds through the university system and in her future life.

that she chooses her university friends carefully ............... and this will only happen after several weeks there. The first opportunities will be to go out with people who share her room or floor in residence, or who she meets at "freshers days", or in the first lectures. Only after that, can one pick and choose she really likes. First appearances are often very deceptive ......... both ways. Many of the first people she meets WILL undoubtedly drink, and some will drink heavily ........... after all it will be the first time that many of them have been away from parental control.


I don't know the reason for your definitive statements re her drinking alcohol ............... but it would not be unknown for a tee-totaller to be tempted off the straight and narrow by new acquaintances


My own daughter first choice was to go to a university on the opposite side of Canada, over 5000 km away.

Then she decided to take a year out, to live in New Zealand, before going up. That was an excellent choice for her to make

By the time she returned, she had slightly changed her idea of what she wanted to do .............. still in the same area, but it turned out that the change in emphasis meant that the local university was the very best one in the country for what she wanted to do.

She lived at home for 4 years .................... much cheaper than being in residence, but not actually the best. I was all too aware of what she was up to :-D

It would have been much better for my peace of mind if she had been in residence on campus, where I would only know what she wanted to tell me :-)


I firmly believe that a very important part of a university education is to learn to live on one's own, away from parental influence, to learn how to handle money and take care of oneself without anyone telling you what to do or not to do, and when to do it. That is often an aspect that is ignored.

Having 'mothered' many students, male and female, when I managed student lets in the early 90's I have seen all sorts of behaviours from young people from all walks of life and some from other countries too.

I think if they have a good background of what's right and wrong they will be ok, as long as they have the confidence to say no to things that don't feel right. If they are easily influenced by peer pressure to fit in, they might be tempted to go off the rails a bit re drinking and such but many young people are so indulged by parents they have no idea how to manage when they leave home, both practically and financially and get carried away with the freedom, to the detriment of their studies.

Make sure your daughter can cope with keeping up with her laundry, and knows how to keep her room clean and her work organised, and show her how to cook easy nourishing meals without living on ready made stuff. Show her how to budget, look for good food deals (stuff being sold cos it's nearly out of date is a good way to make the money stretch). Maybe get her a book written for students, with recipes and tips, there are several around and give it to her to read way before she leaves home.

As for her choice of uni, that will be down to how comfortable she feels when choosing after visits. If she is likely to be very homesick maybe somewhere easy enought to get home to without breaking the bank or spending hours travelling will be the best choice depending of course on what she wants to do and where it is likely to be best experienced.

Do let her know that if she makes a choice and it isn't working out for her, then she mustn't be afraid to discuss it with you and her tutors etc, not just sit it out and get depressed or demoralised. Better to admit to things and make changes than just plod on and be unhappy and maybe mess up her studies.

I wish her every success, I wish my son had gone to uni but he didn't feel it was for him at the time and now regrets it.

You will have anxious times of course, but the pride you will have at seeing your daughter blossom and make her way in the world will be worth all the worry.

Lizx

Two brilliant posts for Footie Angel. I had forgotten the "managing money" side of it - a lot of money is suddenly thrown at you, now by way of student loan. So you can usually find yourself with a big bank account, a credit card and a debit card for first time, a free overdraft. Quite mind-boggling.

My daughter went to a local Uni, but never once thought about living at home and had little time to visit home in her 3 years. Just occasionally I used to get a call at 2am from middle of Northampton town centre to come and pick her up. It gave me and OH the heebie geebies, to be honest. But University made her a very independent, confident and successful young woman - now 31 and a daughter any parents would be very proud of. She has friends from her childhood, friends from Uni and professional friends - and I am pleased that she treats everyone exactly the same.

Lot of tee totallers at Uni, but drinking is often a part of bonding - as is coffee and jaffa cakes :-D. The worst drinkers at Bangor were sons (and daughters sometimes) from very religious non-alcohol families in these tiny villages through Wales. Suddenly, with parental restrictions removed, they over-indulged in everything they were told not to over-indulge in. But many returned to the values of their family after their "rebellion". One father used to ask beloved daughter if she had been a good girl - she would truthfully tell him - yes, I am very good, daddy :-) Will say no more ;-)

FootieAngel...HI...2 of my granddaughters went ,eventually,to Lancaster Uni...Both done exceptionally well...Very proud of them....I live about 6 miles north of Oxford and I often go into Oxford Library Rural Studies...I am also a member of Oxford and Brookes Combined University Cricket Club so during season spend time in Uni Parks at pavilion.....I left home just 18...signed into RAF..Came to Oxfordshire in 1950 ,,met wife,,never been back to London to live....Married 60 yrs this August...She'll be a good level headed young lady so have faith in her whatever choice she makes.....regards...LES

Thank you all for your positive comments and kind advice. She has seen enough of what alcohol can do to people and families to go down that track, but I at least accept that she will decide for herself when the time comes. She is a very sensible girl - she has said she has a first choice now and it seems to be neither Oxford or Cambridge though I have asked that she keeps an open mind at the moment. She can cook enough to get by and washing is not a problem so don't have too many worries there but she's never had to worry abt things like money management so I'm going to have to sit down and talk abt this to her and discuss other worries I have with her.
Not everyone is cut out for University though we hope they may be - my son (who has Autism) having left college fully qualified as a teaching assistant has been out of work for a whole year and being advised to look at other options. Sadly, so many young people are in the same position x