General Chat

From a business forum site where people were asked to post funniest CVs...but these are possible 'appraisals'


"Gargled from the fountain of knowledge.."

"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection.."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.."

"When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately.."

"He would argue with a signpost.."

"He's been working with glue too much.."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime.."

"He doesn't have ulcers but he's a carrier.."

"Got a full sixpack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.."

"When she opens his mouth it seems that it is only to change feet.."

"Not so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe'.."

"I would not allow this employee to breed.."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.." (* I like this one lol)

"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.."

"This person has delusions of adequacy.."

"Since my last report has reached rockbottom, and has started to dig.."

"Sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.."

"Has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.."

"Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.."

"The lights are on but nobody's at home.."

"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.."

:-D :-D :-D Rose, especially

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.."

and

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.."

:-D :-D :-D

Roy

Rose They are so funny. , I have seen some hilarious CVs over the years, some certainly would breach the trades description act for truth and accuracy. One particularly sticks in my mind was where asked about "Interests/Hobbies/achievements" one young women said she "Was one of Ken Dodds Diddy men in Pantomime". Bless her, I am sure she went on to higher things.

lolol Paula :-D

Rose, some more

"He is depriving a village somewhere of their idiot"

"A well balanced person, has a chip on both shoulders"

"Takes him two hours to watch sixty minutes"

"If you stand close enough to him you can hear the oceans"

"If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down"

"He is an experiment in Artificial Stupidity"

Roy

They are all great :-D :-D

so funny :-D :-D :-D

Wonderful Rose. I like the one about the hamster :-D :-D

They are all funny but if from real appraisals I have to say we would never have been allowed to put any of those on somebody's appraisal.

AnninG The one I posted was actually on CV


:-D

Ann, I'm pretty sure they're just made up :-)

However on my appraisal by a 'training manager' after my first day with a company, which I saw several years later, it said "Not especially sparkling in looks or personality", crushing! :-D

Rose that is awful.

As a first reporting officer I once put, a tidy desk is the sign of a tidy mind and ********'s desk is never tidy so I worry that s/he will ever find his/her work. My first reporting officer, second on the report I did, hauled me over the coals for putting something negative on the report. actually the rest of the report was good, a good worker, good employee, but the desk was always a shambles. I wasn't happy about that. :-(

Paula, I realised that was a true one but I was talking more about appraisals than CVs yours was funny. A lot of people don't know how to write a CV.

They can be on appraisals as the they don´t have to be shown ..more like notes for the employer.
CV´s can be amusing
An amusing story about staff already in place. I used to have hanging blackboards in my pub (seen from both sides) I wrote on the outside all the offers on the inside I wrote "it´s harder to pretend to do nothing than actually work" and on the other with date I wrote if you don´t come and tell me about this it means you haven´t done your job come and see me for your P45. I out of 4 staff told me they had seen it straight away another took 2 weeks.

I had a glowing reference rom a manager once, M can do this, that etc,then he wrote:
'But I don't know what she can't do'...

Says more about the manager than me :-D

Our appraisal forms were always given to us, the employee whose appraisal it was, to read and sign as seen.

:-D :-D :-D

I'm just in the process of doing staff appraisals and I can't promise that some of these won't get recycled.

Yes, I know it's not 100% professional, but ..........