General Chat

Sorry Uzzi, sort of took over your thread there.

I think you are doing the best thing, bringing over as much of your Mum's stuff if you can so she has the final say on things, but you know you can't do right anyway so if you do leave stuff behind to get rid of maybe take pictures of it so you can remind her where it is etc and she can't argue with the evidence in front of her.

When I helped an old lady move into sheltered accommodation I made sure I wrote down everything I helped sell for her and the prices, anything I bought I wrote down and paid by cheque so her nephew who appeared on the scene after all the hard work was done, and sold the house at a loss to his friend, couldn't say I had stolen or cheated her out of anything.

I do hope things go well and you can gradually get things sorted out, life won't be the same for a while but just take a day or week at a time and try not to feel bad about what you do, you are doing your best and can do no more.

Good luck

Love
Lizxx

Elaine, I am sorry things have taken such a turn, I think you need to see a Solicitor and make sure your o.h. can't sell the house from under you as you must have a right to a home somehow and his behaviour is not right altho you know that anyway. Talk to your new doctor and see if he can contact your o.h.'s doctor to pass on the information that he is behaving in this way. There doesn't have to be any breach of confidentiality by his doctor just listening. The letter you sent should make the doctor look into his health more if he has an appointment soon.
Try and safeguard your things so he can't destroy them, you could also talk to your local council about getting rehoused as you could say you fear for your safety at the house, it does sound as if your o.h. might get angry and maybe violent if crossed.

I do feel fo you, I was worried yesterday as o.h. had forgotten several things we had spoken about the evening before and his behavious was more extreme than usual, he even started telling me something about his visit to his father yesterday morning and he had only told me an hour previously. However I know he is very tired from working a lot of overtime, mostly his choice altho some demanded by his company and now his father who is ill has asked him to go round and do some gardening, digging and such one morning before he goes in to do a late shift. His father doesn't seem to realised he works six days a week regularly and isn't well himself, but I am not allowed to say anything, there are no grandsons nearby to help out, and only one slightly helpful son in law who is on holiday abroad at the mo so no one to help out.

You take care Elaine, and just look after your own interests, let o.h. get on with his nastiness and just try and keep things calm while you sort out your situation.

love
Lizxx

I am a full time worker but carer at the weekends and Carers Uk is a bit of a lifeline... more peope on there to share stories and all as lovely as the support that you are getting here. One day at a time works for me and a bit of escapism with crime thrillers!

Elaine Thats a shame. Seems your OH doc isnt interested in how your OH 's actions affect you. Would your own doctor give you some advice. I know he cant interfere with another doctors patient but he may be able to help you.

I would also contact age concern to see if they can give any advice,

Technically your hubby may own the home but as his wife you do have some legal rights especially as its been your home too for many years

I should have added that I suggested my OH should give up driving. I did it very tactfully by saying that while his driving might be fine, in an emergency his brain might not react fast enough to avoid trouble. He saw the sense in that and didnt drive any more, except to back the car out of the garage if he wanted more room in his workshop.

Please, everybody, be alert to aging partners, and try to notice anything that might be an indicator of something not well. Persuade them to go to the doc, and go with them so you know what is happening. If the partner does not want you to go, point out that it is a part of your health and well-being as well as his.

Best of luck to everybody.

Huia.

Elaine, that is so difficult. I first noticed my OH had a problem when he got lost 5 weekends in a row on a route he had been driving for many years, so I insisted he go to the doc to get checked out. I went with him. He was given blood tests in case it was just a chemical imbalance, and sent for a brain scan which showed cerebral atrophy - the brain cells shrinking.

It sounds as if it is too late for you to help your OH. He has reached a stage where he will resist anything you suggest. I do hope you can find somebody who can help to get him assessed.

Huia.

I changed Dr's because our GP was more interested in oh than my health. I was told to do as my husband asked and not to argue with him. A year ago I changed so that the new GP would see to my health problems, my husband is with the previous GP.He would not let me go with him anyway.

I went with hubby to the docs and voiced my concerns on his general health. he has had several falls and his memory is getting increasingly bad . The doc listened and referred him to hospital and he has had several on gong tests. The surgery seem quite happy to talk to me about his health problems.

Could you get an appointment with your doctor and see what he says. He may be able to put something in motion like getting someone to call Or maybe he would make a house call and assess whats going on

Thank you,I will try anything to get to the bottom of the problem.I have written a letter to his GP but he cannot reply due to patient confidetiallity. I just don't know where to turn.

Talk to your GP.
Try to get some advice/support from Age UK or a similar organisation. They will be able to advise you about getting your OH assessed.

Just how do you get someone assessed. My oh after 54 years of marriage is trying to force me out of my home. He says it is his house and technically it is as his mum gave each of the four children a house, we had been married about ten years then. He won't allow me to garden the walled garden( I loved gardening) he is systematically squeezing me out of the house by taking down the shelves that housed my beloved ornements( these are all boxed up) and banning me from touching or moving to clean any of his things. He has amassed things all around his chair in the room, I mustn't move them to vac. He screams and shouts at me and I must not answer him back. It is making me ill. Has anyone any advice. Elaine. :-S

MY MIL developed dementia during a long stay in Hospital . she was in 2 hospitals for over 6 months in the 1980,s. we used to visit every Sat as it was 30 miles away and both of us worked. She confused me with another family member and asked how ??? was I was taken off guard and puzzled and tried to correct her& she got agitated so I left it.

Another time she asked how my mum and dad were but they had passed away in 1975 and 1980. I didn't try correct her . I said they were fine and she was satisfied.

She did recover from her illness and eventually came out of hospital but she had changed . she was always very fiery with her Irish temper !! but she got a bit obstreperous and ddi take against our daughter when she didn't ring her,as she thought she should have, before going to Germany with the Army. Hubbywas in the Army, Despite the fact daughter wasnt on the phone and only stayed overnight at ours on route after a long day of travel getting to us late evening and going immediately to bed and we up and out at 7am to take her to Harwich to get the cross Chanel ferry.

When mum and dad had their golden wedding our daughter had flowers sent from Germany and MIL sarcastically commented I dont know why she bothered!! Thats was one time in over 30 years I nearly fell out with her and had to do a big bite my tongue.

She did have a nasty way to her after her illness and it did take some ignoring . I never wanted to fall out with her but came mighty close sometimes ,

The hardest part is accepting that what you have suspected for some time has actually been confirmed.
Have a good cry if you feel like it.
Dementia/Alzheimers is so difficult to anticipate because the person affected can´t say if they were aware of any symptoms coming on. It´s dependant on other people to notice & they are naturally reluctant to accept what´s happening.
Must make research really difficult.

http://allnurses.com/geriatric-nurses-ltc/experience-dementia-journey-118438.html
Someone passed this on to me. It helped me to understand a little better my Dads dementia.
xx

Hi everybody,

As yet the diagnosis isn´t official just the nurse who works for the care company that Mum has and some friends she met on holiday who are 2/3 stages infront with their mother. But I have to be honest I have also thought it.
When I get back I shall have to get her accessed. Not going to be easy as Mum says she is fine etc. but I guess for me at least having it "official" will help in some way.

Unfortunately the mood swings, nastiness and mental/verbal abuse to me are not just part of the illness but something that is now just more obvious that has been happening for years. I guess that´s why I didn´t twig earlier, I´m so used to it.

I guess the hardest part is yet to come getting Mum to understand and taking it all onboard myself. I don´t doubt what the outcome of an assessment will be, but Mum will never believe it. I wish now that I had pushed last year for her to sell up and get settled somewhere, rather than have to cope with her and her house.
I´m trying to pack up and trying to work out what she will want, what she will miss and basically what the hell am I doing. I´ll end up shipping everything out to Spain just to sell it for peanuts, but as she is she has to be allowed to chose.
Mind the night I spent with her in the hotel she kept out 4 different outfits for the evening and in the end didn´t change :-(

I´m sat here looking at all her memories her jade ornaments, her 3ft giraffe and an accumilation of 30+ years and wondering where do I go from here.

Huia had it been me I think I would cope better, because at least I wouldn´t be the one trying to pack everything up...anyway think of all the new friends you can meet when stage 2,3and 4 have passed you by. ;-)

Stay safe everybody and thankyou for answering.

Hi Uzzi, if you do now have a definite diagnosis at least you will know where you are with your Mum, and you can deal with things accordingly. I know things haven't been easy with her for a long time so it's not going to be like it's a big turnround in her behaviour, but still very hard for you to cope with altho it's good that you have her nearby and you can go back to the UK and sort things out as planned while you also deal with the situation your Mother is in now.
It will be a struggle for you, and I hope you have support whereever you can get it both in UK and in Spain.

Don't feel guilty, you have no reason to, just try to take each step at a time, each day as it comes when you can, and be kind to yourself. Know we are all behind you and you can come on here or pm some of us if you need to offload, am always around at night as you know.

Take care, best of luck and hope your Mum stays physically as well as possible so you have no further worries other than the practicalities of making her safe and secure and well looked after.


I will be thinking about you,

love

Lizxxx

Uzzi
It is always hard when you get this diagnosis. You will haviing a grieving process as you realise the mum you knew is no longer there but as others have said take each day as it comes.
As a Dementis Carer I was trained to just go with the flow and be who they say you are, never try to bring them into our world as you will just get resistance. Join mum in her new world when you visit it is easier on both of you. You will find she will have lucid days when all seems well and days where she doesn't know who anyone is.

Most of all take care of yourself , if she is in a care home she is safe when your not there.

Hugs xx

Uzzi, I am so glad it isnt you who has it. I thought it was probably your mother, but it was always a possibility that you had developed it. When my husband was diagnosed with it I accepted it, taking things one day at a time, but it eventually got to the stage where I could no longer cope due to lack of sleep, and the fact that he had started doing things that were potentially dangerous. My son and I decided he needed to go into care, although I hated doing it to him, but it was either him or me, and if I had had a breakdown he would have had to go into care anyway.

Now that he is in care, and magnificent care it is too, I have rebuilt my life around visiting him once or twice a week. The place is an hour's drive away so I feel I cant afford to go every day, anyway it seems he no longer knows who I am, and often just sleeps when I am there. I still love him, but I wont be upset when he dies, as I know he never wanted to go into a rest home and would be horrified if he had realised how he would finish up. It just isnt the old Him any more. When I am not visiting him I am busy with other things like working in an op shop, and visiting my gt grandson and playing on my computer! I can do what I want when I want without having the worry of looking after my husband.

Take good care of yourself and let others care for your mother. You will be much happier whenever you see her.

Huia.

I hadn't seen my dad for years, then he returned to the UK, and I started to get to know him again, He'd remarried, I visited him every couple of months with my chlldren, and we went for long walks.
Then he was diagnosed with lymph cancer. that wasn't the problem, the resulting brain tumour was. He neither knew where he was (hospital) or why. He thought I was my mother. Chemo made him put on weight, and lose his grey flecked jet black hair, it grew through clumpy and grey.
They had trouble getting his drug dosage right.
Once when I visited him, I was told he had got out of bed in the night and dismantled the toilets. 'Has he put them back together?' was my question. 'No' I was told. 'Oh so there's somethng of my old dad still there' I laughed - much to the consternation of the nurse!!
The next time I visited him, he seemed to be looking for something. When I asked him what, her replied 'My fan'. 'What do you need a fan for dad?'I asked.
'Because I'm the King of Ethiopia' he replied. My response?' Bloody good place to be dad'. I'd lost my father, but found the King of Ethiopia!!!

It wasn't dementia, and it didn't last as long - dad was dead within 6 months, after lapsing into a coma, but before the coma, I just accepted his new persona, he wasn't my dad, but was a very genial king.

It is hard, even for those of us who have had a good relationship with our parents.

In addition to the advice and insight already given, go along with them if they start talking about odd things. Sometimes they are actually trying to tell you about something that has happened recently, but the words get muddled or get put into a wrong context. My mother in a moment of clarity, said that her mind was like a fog; she could 'see' the words she wanted to use, but couldn't reach them.

If they are agitated, then agree with them - yes, the cat is perfectly safe and you've just fed it, even if the cat in question was their own mother's pet.

It helped me to write long emails to a good friend, just as you do on GR. The difference was that I needn't pull any punches when expressing my frustrations etc etc. as I knew I wasn't going to be 'judged'.

It is difficult and there is no quick fix. Just make sure you give time for yourself, your dogs and your OH <3