General Chat

Hi Uzzie.
Just thought I would ask how you are getting on ?
Having been in the same situation & knowing how stressful it can be & even worse when you are too far away to have any real choices in the matter.
Hope things are settling down.
Marion

:-) and my thanks to you too Jillian :-)

Pew it's good to know there are other people out there who understand exactly what an exhausting trial it can be. It helps so much.

Anyway, Uzzi, back to you....I've hijacked this thread long enough....what & when are your plans for travelling back to UK?

K x

Karen, I can't begin to explain how tired I was. It had reached the point long before things came to a head that I knew if I didn't do something soon I would have a stroke or a heart attack.

You have your family and they are the most important thing now. I said that whatever happened I would have no guilt because I had done my very, very best and that is how it was in the end.

I know that some of the people the parents knew think really badly of me. They never saw beyond the facade of 'a wonderful couple and you are lucky to have them for your parents' sort of cr*p. But I could no longer live my life to suit others or their opinions of me. My sibling did b****r all for a lot of years. She told me there was no point in coming up because she never did anything right if she did and made it clear she was perfectly happy with me doing it all. But not long ago told me that the years of going backwards and forwards looking after them had left her exhausted. I'm sure she is convinced that she really did do all the caring. She lives near Portsmouth and I am just around the corner from the house the parents lived in. So guess who was on call 24/7 365 days a year. And that includes even being summoned to help the female parent sit up in bed. By the time I got there she had changed her mind!

So the only family I have now are hubby and the kids and those I choose to call my sisters - friends who have helped to save my sanity these last years.

Unless people have experienced similar not many can actually begin to understand what things are like and how you feel. Like Huia said, don't feel guilty. I am proof that you don't need to and that you can come out the other end of where you are now.

Rant away on here or send me a pm - your choice.

Please look after yourself. Actually LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. THAT'S AN ORDER :-P

Thanks to all for your kind words of encouragement.
K

Karen, dont feel guilty about whatever you do for your mother. If she doesnt go into care you could finish up with a breakdown, and what use would you be to her then? I had to get my OH into care as I was not getting enough sleep looking after him, I was a zombie a lot of the time. Now I am so much better, and he is well looked after. It just had to be, for both our sakes.

Huia.

About that drink Uzzi. Sadly for you and gladly for me I am nowhere near Portsmouth. No plans to go near either as that is the area the sibling lives near and works in.

So sadly for you it won't be this visit but I promise we will get together. I'm in the Midlands near Birmingham but I would happily travel to meet you.

Wish I could be of some help.

xxJ

Agree with Chris - what a tactless, thoughtless neighbour, Karen!

Sorry for all of you ladies with mother problems. I have posted on the narcissitic thread and thankfully I have no longer any problems but she left a legacy.

Please please do not, in any circumstances, be made to feel guilty, if someone says something - then tell them that there are two sides and they are not in the full picture.

Take care all of you - my thoughts and prayers with you.

Cheers Wend.
K x

~~~~~~~ Uzzi. Sorry, posted after you.

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I know Uzzi won't mind for one minute you getting it all off your chest - she's a kindly gal.
My mum died many years ago, so I don't have these problems, but I really feel for you.

Wend x

Thanks for your kind words and understanding, Uzzi.
Difficult days ahead,
K x

Karen as I said To Wisechild Hijack all that you want, that is what these Mother dear threads have always been about. It's not just a place for me to rant, cry, laugh or scream for sympathy, help or understanding but for others also.
It's to help everybody to know that none of us are alone in what is happening not just just for the bitchy Mums that some of us have but also for the loved ones with problems.
I did have it explained to me on Sunday on the phone from her friend that those that help her have their own lives to contend with etc etc. and everybody thinks it is time I went over mmmm even tho' it was said ever so nicely I felt like a 5yr old and guilty even when I said that I am making arrangements to get over there.
Wisechild has already gone through the living abroad and mother in the UK and it's our turn now :-( Mind with the dogs I have and also that I try to strangle Mum if I have to spend a week with her ..the option of me spending too long with her isn't on the cards. After saying that we are talking about spending a month over later in the year and the possibilty of me having to return for a longer time at some stage.

So far Mum wants to go into a care home because she will have company but I don't think she has realised that she won't be able to take the contents of her 2 bed bungalow with her. She seems to think that she can leave the property just siting there waiting for her to return to when she feels like it.

Liz Minx is okay for now just have to keep an eye on her now and chart her fits thanks for thinking of her. It is looking now that I am going to have to do something for mum soon as her friends are backing out and handing it over to me :-0

Jillian I will hold you to that cold drink and buy you one back. Not sure where abouts you are but I am hoping to make Portsmouth on the Saturday that I am over and get a meet together for any who fancy coming along.

To anybody I haven't answered sorry but will ~~~~~ to Phyll who I know I missed.

edit to wave ~~~~~ to HuiaAllYear

You do have my sympathies, Uzzi, and all others who are going through similar. We have to bite our tongue SO SO many times, I'm surprised I still have one!

My mum has dementia though she is still in her own home at the moment, but is a constant worry to me. I realise, of course, that it will gradually get worse.
Some days I am run ragged, she can phone me 20+ times a day/night relating events which make no sense whatsoever and repeating question after question having forgotten that we've just spoken half an hour or 5 minutes previously about exactly the same thing.
Other days she seems quite lucid and I can have a fairly 'normal' chat with her - the lucid days are getting fewer.
I'm home in the UK still, since my Christmas visit - she absolutely refuses to go for any appointments I make, ie blood tests, doctor, hospital etc and 5 minutes later, having forgotten all about it, asks aren't we supposed to be at some appointment or other and why havn't we gone!
I do her washing/ironing and cooking while I'm here. When I'm away I stuff her freezer full of home made food before I go and then get tesco to deliver stuff weekly.
I am torn between two places.
My mum lives in the UK. I live overseas (usually) with my hubby.
Each of my visits to the UK is becoming longer and longer, as I find I cannot leave her alone for long periods like I used to (and she flatly refuses to have any social carer coming into the house). Consequently I am spending less time with my husband and my life with him......should mum go to a Home? Well she probably should, but at the moment I couldn't bear the guilt.

To top it all, her neighbour 'had a go' at me the other day in the middle of the High Street with this......"....after everything I've done for your mum, you can't even knock on my door and say thank you. You have no idea what I do for her, and you havent' once come to me and asked me how I am or how I feel........".etc etc Every time the woman paused for breath (not often) I apologised, and said No, I'm afraid I don't have any idea, I'm sorry I didn't realise she was asking for help. I don't know what she's doing when I'm away, what sort of help is she asking..."....to which the neighbour said "well I've had enough, I don't want it any more" and , having said her piece, stomped off down the street!!
How very mature (not).
I was absolutely gobsmacked, totally speechless and I stood there like a tailor's dummy for a full 10 minutes before I burst into tears in the middle of ruddy town!!

Yes, life can be truly SH** at times.

K



P.S.
My apologies, Uzzi, for hijacking your thread but I'm afraid it's all come tumbling out!! :-0 :-0 I'm afraid I've made it into a "get it off my chest" thread...K

Uzzi, one day when you come over here just because you can and want to, I'll take you out for a glass of something very cold.xJ

Marion it is not a problem you hijacking the thread. Your problems are far worse than my own in many ways.
I don't have children or grandchildren to have to worry about and my sister hasn't even spoken to mother for 8 years at least (if they spoke at my wedding .mind my sister hasn't spoken to me for 7yrs lol

Mind I've still got mother to contend with :-0

It's now definate that I am going to fly over just haven't sorted dates out but listening to mother today you would have thought I had ...until right at the end when she decided she would find me a flight for the dates mentioned. Noooooo OH has to get the time off work 1st and we still haven't got his dates sorted. I ended up laughing my head off, because she then phoned me back and said

"What dates are you coming over"

:-D :-D :-D

Thanks Jillian.
It´s good to know someone understands.
Mother´s neighbour & the vicar who took the funeral service both totally ignored my brother & myself at the funeral. Goodness knows what she had told them. Had the same problem as you with several of my cousins & their families. They spoke at the funeral.....just, & have never heard a word from them since. It was noticable that none of mother´s so called closest friends either came to the funeral nor sent flowers or cards & my daughter didn´t come either, using the excuse that she was pregnant & the journey would be too tiring. One of mother´s neighbours said she was unaware that mother had any children, even though I used to visit regularly until I retired & moved to Spain the previous year & even then I went back twice a year to visit her & spoke on the phone at least once a week.
I feel very sad for my granddaughter because her father´s mother died many years ago, so I am the only grandmother she has & as far as I can tell, she doesn´t know I exist. I send presents for her birthday & Christmas, but they are never acknowledged, so I have no idea whether they are given to her or not.
Kids need grandparents.

Sorry Uzzie. Seem to have hi jacked your thread unintentionally.
Try to be strong & just do the best you can. You can´t do any more.
Thinking of you.
Marion

Wisechild. You are not alone in doing your very best and then having it all denied. I cared for both my parents in their last years up until the last few months when it made no difference. They treated me with less care and concern than they would a slave. I sat in the same room whilst the female parent told her doctor that she and the male parent had done everything by themselves without help from anyone for all those years. I know the lies continued after I left the room because the doctor did not wish to speak to me. The female parent had made it clear that I was the daughter who when occasionally asked to help out couldn't cope. Then a couple of months later I was visiting her in the home she was in for respite, at the same time as her nephew and his wife. I listened to the lies she told them about me. Then when I denied them in her presence, she looked me straight in the face and told me I had mistreated her. Although the cousins and I had a good relationship and they saw how things were, they no longer wish to have anything to do with us or our kids. Your daughter obviously believed her nan which is dreadfully sad. I wish that my kids could have you as a nan.

Nothing makes the hurt go away but know that you did everything you could. One day your daughter might realise the truth.

Hugs in your direction.xJ

Uzzie
Had a lot of this MIL. Always ill at Christmas and we were expected to drop everything and rush down. Don't feel bad about your Mum, she has given you a lot of grief in the past. I know she's still your Mum but you can't be all things to all people. I think that's a right quote but not sure.

I also had a lot of trouble with my own Mum. She had a urine infection and went completley doo lally. But, of course, we did nothing!!!! for her (not) but my step-sister was wonderful (again not).

So look after yourself first and let someone else take the strain for a little while.
Phyll

Uzzie, without being unkind I have to smile at your tribulations with your mother, because my brother & I had similar problems with our mother.
Because we both lived a long way away from her (he in Cornwall & I in Spain, while mother was in Birmingham) we tried every which way to make sure she was cared for, only for our efforts to be thwarted by her. She would cancel appointments made with the GP, Social Services, Home Care etc, refused residential Care & after a spell in hospital, fought against respite & made the staff´s life a sheer misery.
She told my younger daughter that we had done absolutely nothing to help her & as a result, my daughter hasn´t communicated with me for over 4 years & I have never been allowed to see my only granddaughter who was born shortly after Mother died 4 years ago.
In point of fact, I went over to England twice, my brother went up from Cornwall several times & my sister in law, whose own father was dying of cancer at the time, went up from Cornwall to stay with her when she went home from respite, to make sure everything was in place for her care.
My thoughts are with you & I wish you the very best of luck.