General Chat

Esta , send him round mine and my boys can have a chat with him, My 20 yr old in the army helps out with shopping when he's home on leave, pays his own car and phone bills etc, 18 yr old when he has work pays a contribution to household bills etc, 16 yr old pays £25 per week from his apprentiship money, All the boys help with household chores, if their washing is not in the laundry basket i do not wash it, if they are not in when tea is served they make their own. This may sound harsh but they have grown up knowing that we are super parents NOT super human.
It must be very hard for you if you do not have the support of your husband, and boys can wield that emotional bully tool incredibly well ,but remember you have done a fantastic job as a mum and your son has given you great joy and pride throughout his life, things will get better. x Izzy

Hows it all going?

At the end of the day you cant let him walk over you.He has to pay his way through life and he should start now. He is pushing his luck.

I know the feeling of falling out and how 'bad' you are. Been there and wore the tee-shirt lol
They dont mean half of what they say to you.I know it's hard being a parent at times.

If you havent done it allready, you need to sit down calmly and say 'This is what is happening'. We dont want you to leave but, if you are staying these are the rules.and if he thinks he can find better,wish him all the luck and tell him he can pop round for tea now and again.

One of mine used to really get to me. We seemed to rub each other up the wrong way.
All has been great..since he moved out 8/9 yr ago lol.

Marion

Our son was the only one of his group who was expected to help with household expenses, and the only one who could manage his money when he left home. Nuff said!

Hi Esta,
I am sure this situation is stressful for you but you must stand firm.
Its also unfair on your daughter if she is contributing and he isnt.
Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind.
Sounds to me like you have tried to be supportive but 5 years is long enough to put up with his laziness.
Time to think of yourself,
big hug for you,
Cath

Im just going to send you a supportive hug.........p.s. can i move in ?

If hes earning then at minimum he should pay a token gesture of how much you last received as child benefit for him per month.

Either way, he should pay you a small percentage of his wages per month depending on what is included, such as electric, Gas, food etc.

Maybe you should print out a list and a charge next to each item

A base non negotiable amount - bed & board - a set amount for the month -regardless if he visits anyone or sleeps elewhere to cover any Gas or electric he may use.

(he would have to pay a lot more in rent & bills elsewhere )

Optional = ££ added on if meals are included, if he buys his own food and cooks it, the cost will be covered by his "rent"

Optional = you do his washing & ironing it will cost him ££ extra per month, if he does his own, buys his own wash stuff etc it comes under his "rent"

Of course he can go & rent a flat with friends, he wont have much money left after paying his share of things & making his meals, washing his clothes etc, but it will make him grow up & stop thinking the world & his mother have to give him a free ride for the rest of his life.

I don't think you need advice,
I think you need your head testing for putting up with him,

Sorry I deleated because I posted twice.
Keyboard playing up
teresa

Oh Esta, it must be very difficult for you.
I left home at 18 because of my job and also to be honest I was desperate to leave home.
I had very strict parents and helped them out with household chores etc from a very young age which was not uncommon in those days, and we needed to earn our pocket money.

In the late 70s early 80s my generation seemed to want to stand on their own two feet and from what I have seen over the years children dont want this any more.
My wages were £180 per month in 1981 and my room alone which I rented was £40 per month and other bills on top.

My sister sadly stayed at home, was looked after, leaving and returning between broken relationships and marrages and once our parents died(they had us in much later life) who had to deal with the fall out, and am still dealing with it, because she cant cope......Me..
Please dont let this happen to your daughter, I have seen this happen time and time again in families.

Your son is too comfortable at home.
Why doesnt he want to drive or look after himself,
I dont mean to sound unkind but is something stopping him from moving foward?

Because of my Sister I started my children young with chores and saving money for things they wanted.

My 18 year old is at uni but lives at home.She has a part time job and also does baby sitting.
We do not take money at the moment but she paid for her driving lessons, driving tests(She passed on 6th go lol) and she pays for her car, insurance tax etc forom her part time wages.
She also helps round the house, and looks after her younger brother in the school hols when im at work.
Dont get me wrong she has her moments but all children do!

Children who grow up in the same household can often turn out very different even if as children they have been bought up the same.
My Mum and Dad may have thought they were helping my Sister as an adult by looking after her but she just became more and more dependant on them.
It was down to me to be tough when we lost my Dad in Feb this year and it was the hardest thing I had ever done.
Im glad I did because she did have a think and although its not perfect things are getting better.

Please look after yourself and dont be so avalable every morning and evening.
You need time for yourself and prehaps your Hubbie could share the work run if he really wont get himself to work.

Take care

Teresa xx

Esta what would happen if you refused to do his washing? Just do your and leave his in a heap? Give him reduced meals if you can't refuse to feed him at all and tell him he isn't contributing and you are not an unpaid servant. His father doesn't want him thrown out, what are his views about him paying keep?

Lorraine, with respect, you have contradicted yourself there... you query why Esta is in a hurry to get her son to leave home..... and then go on to state that you used the very same ultimatum ... get a job and contribute, or if you stay on benefits... out and get your own place. In your case it worked... good for you. But it hasn't and isn't working for Esta

Esta has obviously shown that she is a walkover, and her son (and hubby by the sound of it) are using the *throw me on the streets would you* routine because they are fully aware that this form of emotional blackmail will work with her. She sounds like a lovely caring lady to me, who has been driven to the end of her tether. Not someone who is desperate to get rid of her son at all... that was more than a little insensitive!

Just maybe your son, Lorraine, knew that your threat to throw him out was a serious threat, and not just *one of those things we say*... I don't know

The whole issue here is that he is holding Esta to ransome.... only because he knows deep down that she will not find it in herself to really see him on the streets........

I am in a similar situation myself... it is slowly sorting itself out... and my son was devastated by a relationship breakdown, and moved her from up North..... but the effect on our household was very similar.

Esta, you need to sit down with your husband and work out your strategy. work out what a quarter of the basic bills would be (maybe without food to start off with) fuel and light for instance.... and ask him for money for the petrol... if he doesn't pay, then don't take him to work. He is an adult.

My son now gives us a proportion of his money (he wouldn't even go and sign on, he was so depressed, and no jobs here... he really thought he'd be working in a couple of weeks) and I have started to tuck that away ready for when he does move out... or until there is enough to pay a deposit on the flat I will have found for him!! ;¬))

Good luck.

Love

Daff xxx

Edit.... it's only been 2 weeks since he started getting any money.... so we are a long way from funding that flat yet... but he is contributing a little bit now!

Lorraine - I'm not desperate to get rid of my son but after nearly 5 years of him refusing to work, lying about going to college, claiming benefit etc etc and point blank making my life a misery with his attitude towards me I have finally hit breaking point. His bedroom is full of rotting food because he refuses to clean his room, he takes no responsibility for any household chores, he won't clear his own dishes up, won't go to work unless he is taken and collected and is so unpleasant to us as his parents and his slightly younger sister that I don't know what else to do. He says that he does not want to live at home but is waiting for his girlfriend to get a job to earn enough so that they can live together - when I offered to help him find his own place in the meantime his reply was that it was too much hassle. His girlfriend is going to Uni in September so does that mean I should put up with this for another 3 years to keep my kids at home. My daughter leaves for uni as well this September to if anything I would prefer to have him at home. Both my husband, myself and my daughter work yet somewhere my son decided that our work ethic does not apply to him. At the moment he is making my feel as low as its possible to be - his words to me so you're going to throw me out on to the streets then, his father's words - I don't want him living in a cardboard box!

sorry that posted twice no idea why,

I totally agree with the tough love, they have to have indepence or else they will be in one hell of mess when they do leave home, there where some comments on here that at 21 he should not be living at home which I disagree with.

Lorraine we do not wish for our children be forced to leave home however if he refuses point blank to contribute to the household then he has made the choice himself.

It would be much harder not to buy any food for him because I for one could not see anyone go hungry. He will still have the benefit of a roof over his head, heat etc...

Sometimes tough love is the best kind of love when making our children independant.

Although I dont agree that he should be living in his own place, why are some parents so desperate to rid of their kids, ( my 25 year old is still at home) he has to contribute to the household whilst he is still at home

I would never have allowed my son to sit on his a**e for years scrounging off the state, when my son was made redundant I told him if he wanted to live off the state he could find somewhere else to live as he was fit and able to work ( he soon found another job although to be fair to him he has always worked)

I think your worry is that if you force the issue for keep he will give up the job?

You cant let him hold you to ransom, you should ask him to contribrute to the petrol for you running him to work at least.

tell him unless he contributes you will not buy any food for him, nor do his washing ironing, in fact tell him to take it to the launderette, who buys all his toiletries if you do you need to knock that on the head too.

Your not doing him any favours for when he does leave home he will have no money management skills and will be constantly calling on the bank of mum and dad to bail him out.

Although I dont agree that he should be living in his own place, why are some parents so desperate to rid of their kids, ( my 25 year old is still at home) he has to contribute to the household whilst he is still at home

I would never have allowed my son to sit on his a**e for years scrounging off the state, when my son was made redundant I told him if he wanted to live off the state he could find somewhere else to live as he was fit and able to work ( he soon found another job although to be fair to him he has always worked)

I think your worry is that if you force the issue for keep he will give up the job?

You cant let him hold you to ransom, you should ask him to contribrute to the petrol for you running him to work at least.

tell him unless he contributes you will not buy any food for him, nor do his washing ironing, in fact tell him to take it to the launderette, who buys all his toiletries if you do you need to knock that on the head too.

Your not doing him any favours for when he does leave home he will have no money management skills and will be constantly calling on the bank of mum and dad to bail him out.

He won't hate you, you may not be his most popular person but he won't hate you. Eventually he will realize what you are doing is in his best interests and out of love.

One day he may even thank you for it

with best wishes

Thank you all for confirming what I was already thinking - at least I know I'm not being unreasonable!

I shall have another chat with the other half and print off the ads in the local paper for accommodation and your replies and give them to my son to read.

I am convinced and have been for a while that this is the only way for my son to really grow up. I think he will hate me for it but I believe it is in his best interest in the long term.

Not making light of it but Kick him out and I'll come and live with you and pay my way and help in the house..
And I won't expect free lifts....

Try asking your husband about when he was his age. Did he pay his way? When did he leave home? How he felt when he was finally accepted as an adult by his parents? Is he really happy working his socks off and letting his son have a free ride?

You may be more successful getting support from your husband if you can get him to think about these things.

You could ask husband why he thinks it is ok for him to work hard for his money and pay his way in life but not for your son.