General Chat

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

bottle glass bottle glass glass bottle ah

not like that

just like that

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

brill Keith

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

man says to the Doc ive got a bad back
Doc say wait till you see your front

Tommy was the best only have to look at him and i am in stitches

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

man goes horse ridingbut horse is a bit frisky
the horse kicks around that much he gets one of its hooves caught in the stirrup "hang on"said the man "if your getting up here im getting off"

Tommy Cooper Jokes

When you read this your find yourself doing it in Tommy Coopers daft voice

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'