General Chat

My Dad has Alzheimers and had to go into a care home a few weeks ago. My Mum wasn't happy about it, but she realized she couldn't cope with Dad at home. Poor Mum was getting worn out, she's seventy years old herself , has my disabled brother living at home and is also caring for my Nan who's ninety four.
A care home was the only option for Dad, but now he's there, we're tearing ourselves apart over it.
When we first viewed the home, it seemed a nice place, the answer to our prayers, but now we're not so sure.
Having to put a loved one into a home is never an easy decision to make, but we thought it was for the best.
We were told that they had a programme of activities for the residents every week, but so far we know of only one morning where this happened. We visit Dad every day and every time we go in, he's wandering the corridor or slumped in front of the tv. He has always been a very active man, but now he seems so bored.
He can get aggressive, but I'm sure this is just frustration because he's fed up.
Most of the other residents just shuffle around or sleep in armchairs.
I'm terrified that Mum will just bring Dad home, because I know she won't cope.
We looked at all of the other homes in our area and this one , seemed the best.
In most other ways this home is very good. Excellent food, pleasant surroundings, but just not enough mental stimulation.
We are going to a meeting next week at the home, so we'll talk about this with them.
Is it possible to find a home that meets your criteria 100%?
I'm worried sick about it.

My heart goes out to you all.

I hope you can get some more positive news when you have your meeting.

(((Hugs)))

Linda

Having worked in Care Homes for a number of years before slightly changing career, I understand what you mean. We all have activity sheets, but sometimes staff shortage or the circumsances of the day prevent this happening. Are there any volunteers around your area who could offer some sort of stimulant. We had a lady with her dog coming in, another lady with chair exercises, locaal children singing. Perhaps you could ask about any such groups in the area. It is hard to find something that keeps the residents attention, I found old films and cd's a hit. Good luck to your Mum and Dad XX..

I know how you feel..............Mum has Alzheimers too and is in a home.

Until we made the decision for Mum I had vowed never ever to "put her in a home."

We had absolutely no choice either, but it doesn't stop the hurt, grief or pain and emptiness that follows.

I know Mum is in the best place for her..................the staff make the home, not the surroundings or activities.

If your Dad's home has a friendly feel to it and the staff show you and your family, as well as your Dad friendship and support ..............it is the right place for him.

Alzheimers is a cruel disease that slowly takes our loved ones away from us and we can do nothing to stop that, but by visiting your Dad and keeping as much contact with him as possible, you are doing the right thing for both him and yourselves.


xx

Thanks to you all for your replies.
Perhaps after the meeting at the home next week, we'll feel a bit better. We don't want to complain, we know that the staff do their best in the circumstances. Even the thought of finding another home for Dad is very stressful. When viewing last time round, we saw some pitiful places and the memories of them won't go away.
It would also probably be very fraught for Dad to have to move again and get used to a new place.
I hope we can get this sorted soon and have a little peace of mind.

Hun (hugs)

Thread called Abuse in Care Homes, come through, pls. Help support advice listening ear, bro was assaulted in one last week - was dreadful, got it sorted.

Not only about abuse - got nurses/carers, families, everyone on there.

xxx

Thank you for advice and hugs (I certainly feel I need them).
Shimmer - can't find your thread - where is it pls?
xxx

I think Shimmers thread is on the Chat board Imelda.

I feel for you I really do. My Mum had Alzheimers and Dad had got to the same stage, but she died last year before he had to go down this route. He's 79, so it was getting very hard for him, but he loathed the thought of being parted. They'd been married for 45 years when she died. She was only 63.

Thanks Sally,
Until a few years ago, I didn't know much about Alzheimers.
Absolutely heartbreaking what it can do to a family.
The awful thing is, we've all been so worried and we haven't know where to turn to get help and advice. Dad's case worker has proved to be useless so we've more or less got on with it alone.
Mum and I have never argued before, but we've started to just lately. The pressure is enormous.
All I want is for Dad to be happy in his own confused way and for Mum to have some well deserved peace.

She does deserve some peace. Especially looking after others at the same time. I really send you my best wishes and hope that you are able to get things sorted out.

Imeda

Sorry I don't have much experience of Alzeimers - apart from my friends Mum - went down hill rapidly from being OK ish last summer to being extreme now & in a home .

Could you not go back to their GP - say you are not happy with care worker & see what he/she suggests?

.

Im sure everyone has the same concerns when a loved one is placed its heart breaking.its early days as yet.but I'm sure your fears will go soon.. once you have found his true level of care/.there will be good days and bad for him,but if hes safe warm and given all the care that can be provided for him there,,it will set your mind at rest,and feel less guilt,,,

The care home may welcome any suggestion you have...

What an awful disease Alzheimers is you lose your loved ones twice. Though I did see a programme what a lady and her daughter made about her Mother who suffered. They made it so light hearted and the Mother was really funny and retains her sense of humour.
Davex

My mum was in residential care for a couple of years with Dementia.She lived in Plymouth 6 hours away from me.We brought her up here and found a lovely home for her.She was so unhappy and had no visitors other than me as she knew no-one.Ended up moving her back to Plymouth to care home where mums sister had been.She wasn't happy but had regular visits which was better for her
It is such a strain on the family and my OH used to have rows as he felt I was taking on all the worry that is was taking over all our lives.Which it was.
I hope your meeting goes well.I think if you were to move your Dad now you would still find him wandering about.
The main thing is that the staff are kind ,respectful and care for him in the way you would like .It will never be like it was when was in his own home but your Mum could not carry on forever especially looking after others too.

It's a horrible business and know just how you all feel but I'm sure given a little time things will settle for you.

I have 2 good ears for listening anytime.
Helen

I am sorry that I cannot think of things to say that would make you feel better.......you and your Mum have done your best, and now you feel it was the wrong decision........I can only feel for you and hope you can get some of the useful advice from the other boardmembers on here who have had personal experience of relatives in care homes....

x sally

Hello,

Is carers at home for your dad, etc not an option? I know they can put a very comprehensive care package together for people with Alzheimers so thy cn stay in their home, have you explored this avenue?

Please take things up with the care home you and your dad are the customers, dont settle for second best.

All the best. Jayne

The saying goes If you've met one person with Alzheimers...............you've met one person with Alzheimers.

It is a progressive disease that rapidly destroys the brain cells and the effects on any individual are complex and unpredictable.

That makes the care of Alzheimers sufferers so difficult. No-one can predict how long the sufferers are going to live or what the next stage might be.

We relatives have to search for advice and guidance and fight every single day to get the best possible care for our loved ones.

I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.............the effect on the whole family is absolutely devastating.

The very first time my Mum looked at me and hadn't a clue who I was, I felt completely rejected, the shock and hurt are indescribable.

My comfort is that she knows nothing of the torment we go through as we watch her fading away and is oblivious of the fact that her beloved husband has died..................she has no memory of any of us and for that I have to be thankful.

Imelda - what Kitty, and others have said really sums it up.

My (late) husband developed Dementia fairly quickly - like someone else here, far too young - he was 63.

I really didn't appreciate what was happening for the first few months, except that he was ''difficult'' - but he'd always been very independent and had a mind of his own, so it was impossible to distinguish at first........ but it turned out he was suffering from mini-strokes which were gradually knocking out his brain cells. After a couple of years of trying to look after him - a very fit and active 6ft4ins - I was on my knees and in despair! (we have no family)

I'd read all those leaflets you spoke of - and quite frankly they were not of this world - so impractical, they were a joke (though it wasn't funny!). My GP wouldn't talk to me of him, ''patient confidentiality''!
and there was no way I could get him to the surgery. Alzheimers Society locally only has a part-time volunteer, who was less than interested! So I struggled on.

Then one night (2am) he literally ''went-mad'' - absolutely terrifying! Out of hours Doctor came at 6am, and sectioned him into a local ''asylum'' - 25 miles away. With a friend's help I got him there - and I tell you, it was horrendous! Built in the mid-19th century, it was vast, with stone corridors etc.etc.

Anyway they finally got him a scan, and it transpired he'd had a massive stroke, which had wiped out 98% of his brain..... he was booked in as a permanent patient.

However, the staff there were wonderful! So kind and friendly that after a while I was content that he was okay.Then the NHS decided to sell the place - for property redevelopment! The staff were appalled, horrified and in tears.....they'd all been given 1 month's notice. The patients were going to be split up into whatever place could take them...... the relatives weren't consulted at all. I was so angry I threatened to write to the papers etc.

At that point I resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to sell our house to pay for him to go into Private Care.

But an accountant friend of mine did a lot of research and found that patients with Dementia - whatever their means!! - were entitled to paid 24hour care, provided by whichever home was chosen. All homes come under the 'eye' of the local PCT.
I was advised to contact Social Services and they gave me a list of Private Homes near our home. After visiting, the one I chose was just 3 miles away and was literally like a 5star hotel. I got virtually full-funding and my husband moved in there - and it was a pleasure (well, sort of!) to visit.

But like Kitty said - there was no recognition - he was effectively a vegetable....... which was mind-numbing, but I had the comfort, like you all, that I'd done my best. He passed away 6 months later in loving surroundings.

So Imelda, they are out there! Contact your Social Services again. You and your family should have peace of mind in this dreadful situation.

Dorothy I am so sorry to hear about your husband.

When you say

""But an accountant friend of mine did a lot of research and found that patients with Dementia - whatever their means!! - were entitled to paid 24hour care, provided by whichever home was chosen. All homes come under the 'eye' of the local Service.""

It isnt the case here in Sussex..............we had to sell Mum's house to pay for her care.............she gets Attendance Allowance and a stse pension, the rest she pays for herself.

The state only pay when her savings get down to £21.500, at over £2.500 a month on fees, it won't be long now.

You probably got it paid as your husband was sectioned...............that warrants NHS funding.

Alzheimer's doesn't ................I have applied and appealed 4 times, they still say no.

Imelda - Do look into it further! You MAY be right in thinking it was because my husband was sectioned - but I don't think so, as the qualifying principle was that he was unable to dothings for himself by fulfilling 3 or 4 questions on a form I had to complete. For example he could feed himself (after a fashion) but couldn't prepare it; he could just dress himself, but not very well. and so on.

When he first went into the Hospital he was reckoned to be only in there for 6 weeks, but it was the result of a visit by a Psychiatrist and the Scan and completion of that form which determined he would be long-term.