General Chat

Dear Jean, you have given him his wings, now he has to fly, always knowing there's a nest to come back to. Those of us mothers with adult children find it so hard to let go and let them be their own person. I always wanted my children to be independent, but now they are, I wish I could have the children back some days!!
Do not blame yourself, the guilt may never go away completely but you can delegate it to the back of your mind, rather than letting it rule you. You did your absolute best at the time, we've all made bad choices in our lives. I am familiar with the results of abuse in my own children. My heart goes out to you.
gather the positive thoughts which are around you, we'll all hold you up.
Mary

Try taking the time you now have by having a break from it Jean.

I am sure he will be in contact again and if he doesn't You will have the knowledge that you have done your best.

Susan
x

(((((((hugs)))))) for you Jean.

I DO know how you feel. There are no magic words that will help you resolve the situation.

Try not to blame yourself, its just circumstances. All you can do is let him know you are there if ever he should change his mind, and always will be, without recriminations. It's the only thing you can do. One day he will need you.

Take care xxx

HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE AND KNOWS YOU WONT TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM. yOU HAVEN'T GONE WRONG AT ALL. hE IS A CONFUSED PERSON BUT IS ALSO AN ADULT AND HAS TO MAKE HIS OWN MISTAKES.

SORRY ABOUT CAPITALS, NOT SHOUTING, ON THE LAPTOP AND THE CAPS LOCK GOT KNOCKED ON.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Ann
Glos

Jean, I feel for you. A few years ago, after his marriage had broken down, my brother disappeared too in circumstances that suggested intent to harm himself. We found out there had been a previous instant where he'd been going to. We were beside ourself. When he eventually was found he admitted voluntarily to the local mental health facility. That was sure one way of sorting him out being grouped in with people who thought they were god. He came out of it much stronger and much more open about his feelings.

Please leave the door open but I would suggest you have to look after yourself first and foremost so stop running round/chasing him. I think it's likely he just doesn't know what to do with what he has in his head, you don't say if he ever got help for the abuse, but things like that can certainly twist you up inside.

Not all children hurt their parents and I would say it's mostly not done deliberately. He possibly thinks that you are all better off without him around. Either that or he thinks he can run away from the memories. I'd say he really needs professional help and possibly you could do with speaking to some one too. Look for support groups for parents of abuse survivors, it will help you deal with it as well as know how to best help him.

((hugs if wanted))
Liz

There is only so much any human being can take - even a mother. You will never stop wondering but time has come to look after yourself and the rest of your family. Take care and do not, under any circumstances, feel guilty.

maybe some*** expert*** intervention could help,,,



hope things can get better for you,,,,,,,,,

its brought a tear to my eyes jean

i feel hes hurting still , i know he should know better at his age but it sounds like hes also in an abusive relationship unless its just silly arguements that he cant cope with,
dont blame yourself for what happened, im sure he will also come to you next time he needs help , just let him cool off,
you dont deserve it but you care so you wont sever ties with him, i know, im a mum and i get hurt but i wouldnt either if either of mine needed me id be there in a heartbeat,
you will too , he knows that,
just take time for yhourself at mo, rest and have hug off me, cos you need it,
they always hurt the one they love,

times ive said to mine i wish i could turn back the clock, i know i hurt my mam, but she would still have been there when i needed,
that s waht we do, isnt it jean
xx

He is an adult and no matter how much it hurts, we have to allow our grown-up children lead their own lives and make their own mistakes.

He is having to deal with things in his own way and you have to respect his wishes.

You love him..................so yes, you are a good Mum, you have done your best and that's all any of us can do.

He is abusing you because he KNOWS you will always be his mother.
No advice, just an opinion......you have to do what you have to do.

good luck.
Deanna X

as regards my son

After 13 years of battling to keep contact with my son, i am now conceading defeat and letting him go.
13 years ago my 32 yr old son decided to severe all connections with nearly all our our family, the only one he saw was his dad....on Friday, after yet another row with his wife(she's an alcoholic) he left his home, usually he would go to his dad's for a cooling off period.
This time he didn't, so i, along with his sisters and dad, have spent the last 2 days in total panic. Not knowing where he was or who with was my worst nightmare.
My son is an abuse survivor and has bouts of depression. We were so afraid he might have harmed himself.
His wife has been sending us the most awful texts, saying she hoped he had "done something stupid"
Anyway, this afternoon, i got a call from my son, telling me to keep out of his life, he wants nothing to do with any of us, and never to contact him again.
I assume he is now home with his wife again.
My one concern, is that now he has decided he wants no contact, where will he turn next time he needs to get away.
I've spent most of the day crying, and wondering where i went wrong. Does he blame me for not protecting him from his abuser? or are we a constant reminder of what happened to him?
I love my son dearly, and miss him everyday, but i can't cope anymore with the hurt i feel all the time.
Why do our children hurt us so much

Sorry for babbling on, but needed to get it all out.

Jean