Find Ancestors

I too have done electoral roll searches and Derick did one for me before I got the channel. The vast majority I have dealt with have been in great need of finding an elderly relative to notify them of an illness of a sibling or the like. I have made sure everything is done by PM and do not send out lists of Multiple names for people to look at. It can be a MINEFIELD and caution is always needed. In the case of adoption, those I HAVE DEALT WITH normally are unaware of true Parentage, and when they locate the name of natural Mother, they then register and the rest is down to the POWERS that be who do not put people in touch unless the adoptive person as put their name on the register to be notified that someone is looking for them. No one as yet as asked that I give an address for a natural parent, and should they do this I would refuse. Worked with numerous families in such cercumstances and always think of the life the natural parent nows shares with their current family. Always as been and always will be an issue to treat with great care. Janice

Derek I don't think you are one of those who give out information without thought of the consequences. As Elaine says, people can lie about their motives, but, I have noticed on these boards at least, a little gentle questioning quickly reveals their true agenda, even if that is only a thoughtless attitude to what they are doing, and the possible consequences. At that point, I think it is only moral for the rest of us to leave them to it - we cannot stop anyone searching and finding, but we don't need to make it easy. OC

just got the electoral paper for registering, never knew about the 'short' list, ill be ticking that box. anything that cuts out junk mails is handy,, thanks for the info..

Derek, I agree with what you are saying !!!! BUT. If someone is desperate enough to find a LIVING person's whereabouts, then what is so wrong in them PAYING to do it themselves ? Let 192 / B4U search etc take the pressure off us. If they offer a service, then let people use them. That way, IF anything unterward should happen, then you, me or others can NOT take the responsibility. You say you keep the info confidential - what use is the info AFTER the fact ? I also help people because I have already paid for the facilities and I enjoy helping others, this is a very expensive hobby, but, if in doubt (which there SHOULD be) direct the people to where THEY can access the information. 2006 Electoral Roll IS AVAILABLE for £6 per year on the internet - *** £6*** to use over and over again ..... £6 is no price to pay for looking for someone. In the case of adoption matters, then there are TRAINED people to deal with this - let them do there job, for the sake of ALL concerned. A previous post mentions a phone call ...... how would the 'helper' have felt IF that phone call had lead to a heart attack for the person receiving the phone call etc ... I'm NOT saying DON'T help people, I'm suggesting that we don't take on the responsibility of the possible consequences. I would rather hear that someone has found a long lost cousin, by following my advice on where to go - than hear that someone had been attacked on their doorstep by an 'ex' knocking on there door in the early hours. There are many different factors to take into consideration here. I also know one man, who is looking for his Father. The intention is NOT to have a happy reunion ... enough said. I also know that man HAS asked on these boards in the past. There is also a woman, looking for her sister .. same again ... enough said. Elaine ;-)

Elaine, Thank you for nudging this thread up as electoral registration forms are, as you have already said, being delivered now. I have for the last five years put a cross in the box so my name does not appear on the list. I can be found on 2001 register but have moved since then as do not under any circumstances ever want to see my second husband again - unless he is in his coffin. Sounds harsh but I will not explain why. So yes it can be a useful tool when used for the right reasons but I for one do not want to be found. Maureen

Ndgi8ng this .... as I have just received an Electoral Registration Form .......... Elaine ;-))

Thanks Elaine...........I'll think I'll do just that. Wait and see. For all I know she may no longer be living in the same area as before. I left the county.......what's to say she hasn't too. Maybe somethings are best left however much there is a part of us itching to ask questions that should be left unasked. I'll count myself lucky that I have found out as much as I have from his adopted family without having to involve anyone else, or make his adopted family feel less important to me. They are the only family my sons know connected to their father. The birth parents are just names to them, interesting to know, but just names none the less.

Mary, Let her look for and find YOU or your children ... if she wants to. Her interest was obviously in your late husband ... I would let her do the looking if she wants to. Cross that bridge when you come to it.. If you are still in touch with his family ... then she more than likely is as well - which means she possibly knows everything there is to know ! You are NOT hiding from her, and neither are your children, who's names she probably knows, so if she looks, she will find ... and HOPEFULLY send you a letter rather than turn up on your doorstep or phone you out the blue ! Elaine ;-)

When I learnt of my late husbands birth name I initially wanted to leave it at that, happy that at least I could pass on to my two sons the whole background of their father. I also learned from his adopted family that he had a sister who often stopped her in town and asked about him and what he was doing. Consequently, when he met her years later, quite by accident, she knew all about him but he knew nothing about her or his family. At that time he had no interest in knowing and it's only doing my tree that made me want to know more. I've been tempted to pursue it further particularly as his sister had been interested in following his progress. Since my husbands death in 1974 I have re-married and moved away from the area though I keep in touch with his adopted family.....they are, as far as my sons are concerned, his real family. But I wonder......would the sister who was so interested years ago like to know that one of my boys is now a father of twins -13 year old boy and girl.? Maybe..............maybe not. I really don't feel I can go further with this for fear of causing some kind of family upset. (Sorry......I think I've repeated myself here from my previous post. )

I posted a few days ago about my friend who decided 22 years ago that he wanted nothing more to do with his adoptive family. His reasons were excellent, in my opinion - there are mental health issues in the family and one particular member attempted to kill him several times. He is a big bloke and wasnt too worried about this, but the threats and violence were then turned on his small daughter. He has remained estranged from his adoptive family but a few weeks ago, was found by his would-be murderer, through a simple planning application, published, by Law, on the internet. He is now facing the prospect of moving house and changing his name yet again - which he doesnt want to do. As Elaine so rightly says, some people have very good reasons for wanting to stay unfound - please consider that when offering information to strangers on here. OC

Elaine No dear, you DON'T go on, not without good reason anyway. Agree that we should all be very careful indeed when giving out information. Take Care Kay

Hi Elaine As I said I appreciate that having not been in that situation I dont know how I would react so personaly I cant even begin to know how you and your daughter feel and I do wish you both the best of health and good luck. The lady I helped and I at the time didnt know where to start I was just lucky that the first thing I did was think of all the helpful people who read these boards and they came through. I didnt expect to get a phone number so maybe for her to have just had the address and written to him would have been more appropriate. Maybe this is something to think about! In todays day and age there are a long list of places thatit is impossible to know who has what information about you and I do think its wrong we should be entitled to privacy. Kind regards Sarah

Sarah, I certainly appreciate the 'good' side of helping people ..... BUT ... you say your friends father is in ill health ... and that she phoned him .. ..... how would you now feel if when answering the phone to his long lost daughter, this gentleman had had a heart attack ??? Surely it should have been done through a 3rd person going to visit both parties, to make sure that BOTH parties wanted the comnmunication ? This is why Social Services have the Adoption process in place .. and why they offer councilling etc .. I'm really really pleased that your help connected these two lovely people, and that it worked out well ..... but for every one good one, there are bound to be at least one other bad one. I KNOW for a FACT that there are 3 members on these boards who have written to me explaining why they do NOT want to be found. Without every family members details, how am I to know what details to pass onto who ??? ... it's a mine field .. Its heartbreaking to think that we might have some part in accidentally giving the wrong info out to the wrong person. I can thankfully say that my own personal experience was NOT life threatening or bad ... but I had a hell of a job explaining that to my daughter ! ... and she wasn't even scared of him ! I hasten to add that ALL IS WELL NOW, and the problem is over for us ... Sorry, don't half go on don't I !! Elaine ;-))

Hi I have just read your thread and whilst I don't know what I would do if it happened to me I would just like to put the other side of the argument accross. Last year I was talking with one if the mums at school and she had been trying to locate her father for about 30 years. I came home with the details and put up a thread asking for help. Within 15 mins someone from this site had kindly checked the registors and given me his address and phone number. She phoned her dad and he was over the moon that she had got in contact, he had been trying to find her for many years to. He is currently seriously ill but thanks to someone doing such a search he has his 2 daughters and 5 grandchildren with him. I just wanted to say that it isnt all bad and if anyone makes the effort to get the information and use it then maybe sometimes its for the best. It was definatly in this case anyway. I wish you and your daughter well.

Olde Crone, I so agree with your wise and considered post - there is always a need to consider and balance the rights of BOTH sides of the situation. Jay

Elaine Thankyou for your warning - your experience will probably do more to make people stop and think than all the general warnings. Because I am old and have a lot of life experience, I am always worried when people post on here, looking for living people, and the number of people who rush to help them. I realise that this help is offered with the best of motives, but please stop and think - who is the requester, how old are they, what do they want to contact the missing person for? Perhaps a little tactful questioning is called for (something that many members already do, I have to say) More than once we have seen very young teenage girls on here, searching for their birth fathers (or mothers). To my mind, this is best left to the professionals, or to the young person's family - there is a potential Pandora's box to be opened and none of US will be around to offer the support that young person may need. Having been in a similar situation with my own teenage daughter, and knowing what she was going to find, I would have been FURIOUS if anyone had helped her to find her father, no matter how well-intentioned they were. And - battered wives, or those escaping a violent relationship - how easy for their pursuer to come on here and be offered the information as to their whereabouts on a plate. I realise most of this information is available in the public domain anyway, but don't lets make it easy for those with less than good motives. OC

Just seen your posting and glad I did. I've been trying to discover my late husbands birth family, who they were etc. I now know his mother and father's name (they were never married hence his adoption) and there is such a temptation to go even further. Information given to me was from his adopted family (I never realised they knew as much as they did) and it seems my late hubby's birth sister used to keep in touch with a member of his adopted family to see how he was getting on. He even met her quite by chance and she introduced herself but at the time he didn't want to take it any further -this was in the early 1970's, just before he died. Doing my tree I wanted to fill a few gaps and now I have. Maybe now I should let it rest and resist the temptation to proceed any more. My two sons are happy that they know who his birth parents were and why he was adopted. Having read your post I'll let it be now and be happy with what I've got. Heaven forbid I should upset someones life by any kind of contact. Thankyou.

Just another tip... if anyone does not want there name and address and phone number (if not ex dir) being found on ..B4Usearch(.)com..........you can delete your particulars from it... it does tell you how. Anne:)))

Thanks Vera ....... daughter will be fine. We don't have much to worry about, we're lucky. Daughter just doesn't want to face him unexpectedly or without me present .......

Hi Elaine, Thank you for this timely warning. This just goes to prove how careful we have to be when researching 'living' family trees. Glad all is well with your daughter. Regards Vera