Find Ancestors

Good Morning all.
Am I speaking out of turn, when I say that I am becoming increasingly concerned, nay, alarmed, at the amount of queries asking for help in finding people from more recent times. As questions are being asked about people from the 1920's/30's, so are those that relate to people from the 40'50'60' and 70's.
These people, or their families, are probably still alive. And, this morning alone I have counted at least three on this board, relating to this.
Indeed, some of these queries, are not of long lost rellies, but about people from childhood, ex-neighbours, etc. and people, no more than children themselves, asking about people who may or may not be their birth mother/father. The thread from 'Ginnie', this last couple of weeks, is a good example of this.
Indeed, it is only a matter of time before someone wants information, for example, about, say for instance, the 12/13/14/ year old in the next street who has had an illigitimate child, or, the woman on huge benefits, and has a dozen children, and someone wants to know who has fathered them all. Also, some young person that seems to think that Joe Bloggs could be their father, from something their mother let slip,and it is their right (sp), to know who it is, despite this individual, having got over his perhaps mis-spent youth, and now has a family of his own, and a respectable job.
Surely, a line must be drawn somewhere. I also thought there was a rule on this at GR. Some days on this foard it is more like a 'lost and found ' column.
I am expressing my point of view, of which I do not expect everyone to agree, however, it is as I see it. This has not been posted to cause an arguement, but just so that someone may be able to see where I am coming from on this.
Good Morning All
Julia in Derbyshire

What, where when....

What have I done now ;)

x

Ginny, I am not accusing anyone of anything. I am on about the number of requests appearing on this board for this type of query. And, as I have already said, I though there was a time limit in the rules from GR.
Julia in Derbyshire

Ginny

Check the spelling..............

Phew....its not me then!

Im so used to putting my big foot in it Im getting paranoid!



The thread from 'Ginnie', this last couple of weeks, is a good example of this.

I apologise, I had the wrong name, in giving an example. It should perhaps have been Gemma, but as the thread quite rightly was reported and removed, I was unable to check the name. However, this fau pax, on my behalf, does not detract from my sentiments on this matter
Julia in Derbyshire

A big part of the problem, I think, is that many of the people making these requests are victims of the current/recent system of education (or lack thereof) in the UK, and have no concept of privacy and/or respect for the rights of others.

Ice, I was not really on about the Gemma thread per see, but gave it as an example of young peoples determination to find birth parents, come hell or high water, even though she was quite wisely advised from people on hear to tread carefully. Yes I know some information was removed, but it was very present day informative.
This is really about people asking for help to find present day people.
Personally, I would not like to find my personal business, or that of my comtempotaries, on these boards, nor the people that are younger than me. The dead cannot come back and say anything about what is posted here, but the living can. And that is what I am speaking about.
Julia in Derbyshire

Jonesey and Flick, thank you very much for answering me. Those are my sentiments entirely, and the point I am trying to make. As Jonesey rightly points out, this is Gene Reunited, GENES being the operative word.
I can fully understand, with the situation we have nowadays, of broken marriages, and children being born out of wedlock etc., that for many, there are questions to be answered. But, I just do not feel that this is the right place, although I would be the first to say, I do not know where you should look.
Many Thanks
Julia in Derbyshire

I agree Julia

I know this information is available on the Internet if searched for but I just wonder if we should be helping

About 3/4 weeks ago there was a news item (icluded in a programme on fostering) where the difficulties posed by young people, who have been in care most of their lives,decide to search for their "real" parents.

Quoted was the story of a girl who had been with the same foster family most of her life who decided (unbeknown to them or anyone else) to put her details on Face Book

She was contacted by a man-who said he was her father,had always loved her-had been looking for-and indeed he WAS her father.

She arranged to meet him and has

What she did not know and because noone knew what she was doing was that she had been removed because of "abuse"

This has caused conflict with Social Servises and within the Foster Familty

Ice, I fully understand what you are saying. But this is not the place to make these enquiries. It is an open forum, and people world wide are reading the contents.
Just let me paint a little scenario.
My father, very much still alive, was with the forces in the war, and was posted at, at least a couple of bases in this country at that time. What, on a night out on town drinking, he had met a lady, and she had become pregnant. That child, would be older than I. However, if information about this appeared on a public forum from someone trying to trace someone who might, just might, be her father, how would I feel, and his other children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren, neices and nephews.
Similarly, my mother was left alone for the duration of the war, with a young child to bring up. What if she had become lonely, and it does and has happened, and had an affair. She then has any resulting offspring adopted, because her husband is away, and she thinks she can hide it away. What if that offspring now rears it's ugly head, and puts a thread on here. How would we all feel.
And I do not confine these sentiments to things that went on during the war. In my youth, many illegitimate children were born. It was promiscuious times we lived in then. The man and woman involved have more than likely gone separate ways, and now have other families of their own, and respectability.
This is just my opinion on people posting on here for connections to people, because of events that have happened since 1940, and those people that may be still alive. Those requests for information on people since about 1940, are more than likely still alive.
Julia in Derbyshire

Ice

No-one is saying that people should not try to find their biological relatives - what we ARE saying, however, is that this should be done using discretion, and respect for the privacy of others.

Surely you can understand that.................

Yes Ice, I know this information is readily available, but why should it be bought to this board.
Discretion is not really a domain of the young. How many have we seen on here, where, especially young girls, are looking for long lost fathers. They do this blindly, never thinking about all the other people involved, and their private information. On the thread I have given as an example, we heard all about all the marriages of different people in this family, and her mother's drinking habits, aswell as an address, which, though finally removed, was on here long enough for people to see it.
Do these seekers of lost fathers not realise, that they might not be readily welcomed with opened arms, no matter how determined they are.
And I ask you to read the post made by Elizabeth, because she has a very valid point.
Julia in Derbyshire

You have to be discreet on GR because those are the site RULES.

What happens on other sites which do not have ANY ethical considerations is beyond the control of those of us on here who believe in doing things correctly.............

Just a point. My own side of family is very open and I grew up knowing that babies could be left on doorsteps and somebody among friends and family would take the bundle in. Nowadays with modern technology etc there should be no need for accidents. My other half however grew up knowing nothing about any secrets in his family. Was only when somebody had a few drinks inside them that some things slipped out. So when I started to reserach ancestors my side of family was very easy I knew I could talk to the right person, ask the right questions but also knew there were certain things not to ask, if you follow my drift. My children, due to circumstances beyond my control, have been brought up knowing only my other half's family. I would describe my in-laws as coming from another century and trying to find information about his side as working in the dark.

I've got to catch the bus in a minute so will have to type quickly...

the only thing I would say regarding 'youngsters' (in particular) looking for relatives is that by coming on here rather than say FR, or FB etc...they do at least get the benefit of advice from older and perhaps more experienced people...who CAN warn them of the potential problems, who CAN advise them to go slowly and not turn up on doorsteps unannounced.

It's a fine dividing line...as i put on a thread, if my son goes looking for his dad ( address unknown currently) i would rather he did so with the help of sensible people on here...rather than on his own?

Good thread, we all need to weigh up how far is too far when helping :)

xx

Ice, as you have bought this back to the fore, yes, I do think you are missing my point. But, yes I do agree with what Rose has said. She made this remark on another thread the other day, and I thought then, as I do now, what wise words, though I did not have the time to add to the thread she was on.exprssing this.
I do not expect yourself or anyone else to agree with me, it is just my point of view, that, when logging on early in the morning, the firstt page seems to have a plethora of threads from people wanting to know about people, not necessary relatives, born since 1940, and in my case, certainly very much alive. Today, for instance, there was at least three, on the first page.
My point about young people wanting to know about birth parents, particuarly fathers, and that in itself should speak volumes, is, in the main, handled very well by the reasearchers on here. But I have often read these threads, where they are given instructions where best to look, only for them to say sorry, for posting,or words to that effect, then carry on giving further information. They are not sorry, it is just a word to use. If they were sorry, they would take the very good advice given, and look in the appropriate place, instead of giving further very intimate details.
This is of course, just my opinion, as I read the boards
Julia in Derbyshire

Could I please just add a thought to this subject. Speaking as the recipient of some enormous help from the GR community whos advice and info led me to my brother, who I had never seen and who didn't even know I existed, I see both sides of the argument. It is heartbreaking to know you have family out there somewhere and not have contact with them but equally I can see the devastation it could cause if you suddenly announce you are someones long lost child. I understand the need for caution if the person you are trying to find is still alive but there are a great many of us who benefit from finding a living relative. In my case I wrote first, stating the facts as I knew them, and explaining I would understand completely if my brother didn't want to aknowledge my letter. Thankfully he did and I gained a loving brother and sister in law along with a niece, nephew and great nieces and nephews.
Some of the request for assistance obviously come from young people and whether or not it is advisable to assist them is up to you but please don't exclude helping those of us born in the 40's who, due to the upheaval of war, have lost our family members. Time is running out for us as we get older and without your help we may never be re-united.

I've made my views known on this before, we have specialist social workers skilled in bringing together families who may not know of each others existence and this has to be very carefully handled.
In my own case, my widowed mother gave birth to an illegitimate child in the 1960's. I know the name of my half brother and his father but I have not added them to my tree. The father had another family living locally. I don't know if his son knows of the existence of his half brother but I do not consider it my place to put those details on my tree and have this man discover that he has a half brother. Some may ask what right I have to keep this information from him but do I really want him to discover this fact when he may be sitting alone browsing through this site? I've never met him, I don't know what relationship he had with his father and I don't know what the family situation is now. Am I right to keep this information from my own half brother? That is a decision that my family have taken given what we know of his father and his behaviour. I would hate to think that my half brother could use this site to find his father without discussing it with his family first (and he is now 42 years old) because the truth could be devastating to all concerned.
Searching for living people must be very sensitively handled.