Find Ancestors

why is it that when we volunteers go to lots of trouble to help people on the site, that the recipients cannot be bothered to at least acknowledge the letters. Three this last week have not bothered to reply and this happens all the time. Ethel.

Good Morning Ethel and Jonesey.
I am totally and wholeheartedly sick of coming onto the TTF and seeing people's request for help, which, depite Ann of GG's thread, still lack even the basic manners.
I was always, as I am sure you where, taught that when making a request for something, you always said 'please', and when that request had been fulfilled, you said 'thank you'.
I looked at the thread yesterday 1240730, just below this, and posted how it made me feel. The excuse for not using manners, was pathetic. Surely as a request is being typed, it takes no more time to type the words please and thank you. It is a natural action, well it is for me, to use my manners.
I really do feel that requestee's do not understand that they are asking for help from living human beings, who give their time and effort to help others, for free. Therefore, if they think they are talking to a machine, they think that manners need not apply.
But, and please do not bite my head off here, as what I am saying is well intended. Instead of the researches jumping in to help, they should admonished the poster for lack of manners first. Many of the pleas for help, read to me like a demand, as if it is the responsibility of the researchers to give them the information they want.
Although I do not participate in any of the research, as I struggle with my own ancestors, this does not stop me from using my manners when asking for help. It is the first thing I think of when requesting assistance, and it would not dawn on me to do so without using my manners.
We need to nip this problem in the bud, before it goes and further.
Julia in Derbyshire

Because it's the way of the world these days.

'Please' and 'thank you' are also outmoded

I'm one of those who tends to reprimand the ill-mannered on here, although not on every occasion, I must admit.

I was brought up with the saying 'I want never gets'.......but unfortunately, too many people on here just give info regardless of whether or not the request has been worded politely..............so the efforts of those who try to instil some manners tend to be a case of p**ing against the wind

Morning Flick, whilst I agree with what you say, I am afraid this is not so in my world. I will not give a positive reaction to anyone who cannot use their manners, both in the real world and the cyber world. To me, there is no excuse for bad manners, and should be totally discouraged.
Julia in Derbyshire

Edit to say, perhaps GR, in their sticky above, should also put that manners should be used at all times, or a request for help will not be attended to. But then again, how many people actually read the sticky

The three traditional basics have disappeared, which is why the world is a mess - Manners, Respect & Discipline!!!

Manners cost nothing, use them freely!!!

It has happened so many times in recent months that it has certainly been off putting. Solely an acknowledgement would be nice so one knows it has been seen :-)

I really do agree with you Julia, Iv read many requests for help on here,,,non of them saying 'please' or 'thank you',,,and low and behold,,someone gives them the info they need without a murmer... I think they are as bad as the member demanding help.
I am going to make it my quest to comment on all threads with no manners,,!!

A recent PM received after I expressed dismay at the lack of basic courtesy, informed me that I should be more understanding as they are not exactly computer literate.


The mind boggles !

I respond to threads no matter whether good manners are used or not.

I do not help others for please and thank you's I do it because I wish to. It is my choice. Good manners are always appreciated but I don't get upset if they are not used. Not everyone learnt good manners at their mothers knee, not everyone has had the same education as I and so therefore may not use good manners in their daily life but that does not mean that they do not appreciate the help.

I also help others as it hones my skills in researching.

I always try to use 'please' and 'thank you' but spending some of my career taking Emergency work I don't always think about a request having the said words attached. I would willingly help any one. But from the days of accepting panicking callers demanding an Ambulance because someone was dying or was bleeding to death somehow using 'please' and 'thankyou' seemed superfluous. Perhaps people using these boards panic a bit and just don't think things through.I am sure not everyone will be ill mannered . I think it better to give people the benefit of the doubt.-JLe

I have to say that part of the problem is that many members are quite happy (even eager) to make excuses for people who do not use manners when asking other people to do things for them.

Someone asked a short while ago for ideas for another subject matter, perhaps we should have a' please and thank you board' for the sensitive members and 'take me as you find me and still learning' board for the less sensitive-oops thank-you-JLe

Janet, I do not consider myself as sensative, thank you. Just bought up with good manner, which costeth nothing. Whether just leaning or an experienced hand, good manner should be used at all times.
Julia in Derbyshire

Hi Julia, well I am sensitive.....to others failings..but not to the point that it worries me . I would like to say I learnt my good manners at my mothers knee but it was more likely the threat of having my head 'knocked off my shoulders' if I didn't use the appropriate words, from my father . Whilst I too have taught my children good manners, not with the same verbal techniques of my own learning I hasten to add, my desire for good manners is just as strong .What my upbringing has taught me is 'tolerance' because I didn't know what that was until I was an adult. Since reading the first of these messages I have just been browsing through some of my threads where I have given information- 3 have thank-you's and 3 have nothing but I would say all sounded very grateful.-.JLe

I always look down the list of replies to a request for help first, and if there has been no input from the requestee, I do not help at all.
Sometimes it would be so very easy to jump in and help, but NO Never if the requestee is neither well mannered enough to come back to the thread they have started, or don't know how to come back to it, what a waste of my time it would be..
On the thread I have had running on Records, it is very very rare for the person requesting information not to re visit the thread and post thanks. Is this perhaps due to the fact that I always email them to say there is a reply waiting for them on the thread so no excuse to just grab the information and run with no thanks offered? I would like to think that they all are so grateful for the help that "Thanks" just bubbles out of them.....

Well, I am still, after 3 years, diligently sending about 50 messages every single day to those who have not returned to their thread within approx 24 hours.....and I check all boards except Chat and Gen.


I receive many excuses........no internet connection, ill health, working, family problems etc.etc. I sometimes feel I am given these excuses because the people concerned are a bit 'put out' at having been contacted.


Another very common excuse is....."I can't stay by my computer 24/7, I have another life you know". I then usually check how long it took for their first reply to reach them and let them know.


Some tell me that "yes, I have seen them thank you" and yet they haven't put a reply on..!!


However, I have to say, that by far the greatest number of replies I receive are about the fact that the poster thought they would be notified by email and they are very apologetic.


The good manners (or lack of) is, sadly, a fact of life. If someone in a shop pushes past me, I say "excuse me" in a loud voice.....but that's one of the joys of being a Grumpy Old Woman.


Now, must get back to finishing this board as I am going out soon. Cx.

hello all,
Flick in particular, my Nana always said I want never gets but Please may I have stands a chance. The good old sayings are really the best.

Janet x

To be honest I have found the friendliness and camaraderie much lacking on these boards over the past year or so....which in my mind is such a shame.

Along gone is the patience and tolerance towards members who are looking for help. Heavens I made a few mistakes when I joined many years ago only to be met by friendly and supportive replies.

When I find I can help on a thread I do so because I want to ...no one makes me...whether a please or thank you is offered. And yes I am of the old generation who always says please and thank you and instilled in my children and grandchildren!

However what I do really find distasteful is when urls of threads from members who are looking for help are banded about on the boards unbeknown to them which seems to be happening more and more these days. To me this is like talking behind a person's back (another thing I was told not to do in my childhood) it just isn't nice.

Linda

Hi Frank

I am afraid we will have to agree to disagree.

Of course you didn't add any comments from said thread on here...you didn't have to...you added the link! You also say that you have only defended yourself without attacking the poster...in my eyes you have in a covert sort of way by adding the link to this thread and also to another thread in far, far less polite terms.

What I am trying to say is that when this member added a thread of her own accord I suspect she would not even dream that her thread would be used and added to this or any other thread for another member to make a point.

As I have said I have found this happening more and more and even though I fully understand the frustrations of lack of manners, double postings, treble postings etc etc etc I do find adding links from one thread to another without the original poster's knowledge very unpleasant and extremely distasteful.

Yes Frank I have been around for going on 6 years and I have seen valuable members over that time leave for one reason or another... including the mass exodus in 06. I even joined the "dark side" at this time however my "roots" were with GR as it was the first website I had ever joined and I stayed put!

I have also seen friends of mine leave the boards of late due to the lack of tolerance and patience shown on these boards.