General Chat

Why do birds fly South? Because it's too far to walk.

Knock, Knock, Who's There? The Avon Lady....Yer bell's broke!

Bendy I hope I don't get in trouble for this one so I apologise in advance but here goes............. There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a (you know what)! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. You impotent b*****d,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy ........ if you explain the kids.'

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I p**sed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'

One day the teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Jack and James were having a man to man talk. 'How old are you' said Jack 'six or seven' James replied 'Don't you know?' 'Not sure' said James 'Do you drink?' said Jack. 'No' said James 'Do you smoke?' 'No' 'Do you go out with women' 'No' 'You're six' said Jack 'I'm seven.

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor in the church that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.' The entire congregation was completely silent. 'Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.' No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me in front of your bretheren and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. The preacher was visibly shaken when he saw her rise. 'You, Miss Johnson?!' Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. 'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding,' she began, clearly not wanting to make her confession in front of everyone. 'I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told one of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!'

Two elderly residents were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, 'I know just what you're wanting; for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.' The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, 'For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.' The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple moments starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. 'So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,' says the old man with a satisfied smirk. 'Get serious,' she finally says, rolling her eyes. 'I want four times in the rocking chair.'

Knock knock. Who's there? Soup. Soup who? Soup-erman.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers? In case they get a hole in one.

What do you call a dog owned by Dracula? Answer: A blood hound.

a condom is like a car ferry,both have a roll on-roll off facility,both are full of sea-men and if either spring a leak you're ------!

Oh I did enjoy those, especially the Ed Zackerly one - brilliant. Ok - what do you call a 30 year old chav? Granny.

man says 2 wife u have an arse the size of a 3 burner bbq, Later in bed he says how about a bit? wife says no point lighting the bbq for half a sausage

On Radio 2 yesterday someone sent an email to Terry Wogan who had been asking about peoples holidays in Ireland. I hadnt heard it but my sister rang me up because Terry nearly died larfing at it apparently! : The man said hed had a lovely weekend in Dublin and had done a lot of sightseeing and eating the famous seafood there. He had promised friends in England he would bring back some crabs to eat at his local pub. When he got on the plane home he said to the stewardess that he had these crabs in a bag and could she put them in the fridge for him til they got to England to keep them fresh. Just as they approached landing, there was an announcement 'Please fasten your safety belts as we are about to land - and can the gentleman who gave our stewardess the crabs in Dublin please make himself known'

Wendy, More a man,s joke, perhaps. Scene is a western saloon with the swingy wooden doors. A tiny man puts his head inside and shouts 'Big john,s a coming'. The bar quickly empties. The swing doors fly open and there is a giant, desperate dan type of a man. He grabs hold of the barman by his shirt , yanks him in the air, and demands whisky. Gone in one gulp. The barman squeaks up, 'would you like another one sir?' to which our giant replies, 'not likely, big John,s a coming.' happy days

Bill goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten Commandments. When the service is over he goes to Confession. 'Forgive me father for I have sinned' he begins. 'Do continue, my son' the priest says. 'Well, I lost my hat recently and I came to church intending to steal one. But when I heard your sermon I changed my mind'. I'm very pleased to hear that' the priest replies ''Thou shalt not steal' is a powerful Commandment'. 'Yes, father, that's very true' says Bill 'but it was when you said 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' that I remembered where my hat was'. Brian, ;~O )

hi, two condom`s lying in the gutter, one says to the other, you look rough this morning, yes the second replies, I had a skinful last night! derek,,...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. 'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks an accountant. 'Watch and you'll see,' answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed accountant. 'Watch and you'll see,' answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.'