General Chat

I loved my Mum a lot but she was odd about letting me have friends around to play. I was never allowed to just have friends around. A couple of times someone would be formally invited round to tea but that wasn't really normal. My Dad has always had a bad temper and we were always having to be careful not to annoy him. My own two daughters were always allowed to bring friends round. Our house was always full of kids when they were small. When they were older loads of kids would get off the school bus and end up in our house and I never knew how many I'd be cooking tea for..........I remember calling that a meal was ready one evening and a couple of extra kids appeared! I am really glad that youngsters felt comfortable here. When our daughters were at college we counted about a dozen boys and girls who stayed with us for a few days over about 18 months......usually because the boys had quarrelled with parents and been thrown out or the girls were pregnant and frightened to go home and tell their families. My house isn't as tidy or as organised as my Mum's but it's been a happy home. Sue

Aunty Marj. Your decription matches my paternal grandparents to a tee,only the roles reversed-she was a hareden,and he sat in the corner with a pipe,hating to be in a room with more than one person- they made do,but were minted......she was a matron with a good pension and he ,even at 89,would walk half an hour to the supermarket and back again with the shopping-no bus or taxi-he went to kwik save every day like this for the bargains- he would come home,all 8 stone of him,exhausted-and would be handed a whisky- they were born 1912 and 1916.She refused to have a washing machine but could have bought 4 of them each month from her pensions.

Jess, this has got to be one of the best threads I have read in just over two years of being a member of GR. Congratulations. My childhood was very unhappy from about the age of 8 years old. I personally think this has affected me in more ways than one. Even at the age of 51 years I am still very mixed up. So yes I do think according to how you were bought up, has an affect on how were are now. Jenny xx

LOL, I dont drink!!!!! Alcoholism in the family...give me time though? (but I smoke like a chimney!!!!! ... me and my siblings all smoke but neither of our parents did???) and the cleaning thing too i copied from my Mum. My sister, Im sure, goes out of her way to make sure she does nothing that either of my parents did...lol....shes a rebel...but shes my sister XX Suzanne

Yes I think it does Jess. I always knew my parents loved me even though they didn't actually say it every day. I got plenty of hugs. I was praised when I was 'good' and told off when I was 'naughty', but there were never any hard feelings afterwards. They had principles and I had a very 'solid' upbringing and wasn't 'spoilt'. I also came from a miner's community where everyone called a spade a spade. To this day, I try to live by these principles and have tried to pass them on to our children: honesty, good day's work for a good day's pay, try to help your neighbour, do your best, etc. My OH's family only saw the 'bad' things and never gave their children praise hence my hubby is often very unsure of himself and is allergic to any form of 'criticism'. Hubby's parents expected to be treated as though he owed them everything. I do whatever I can for my parents simply because I love them and I our children are are doing the same for us. All of our children have thanked me for the way we have brought them up, so we'll see what the next generation brings! Margaret

Our childhood experiences most certainly shape our lives, although not always as might be expected. Every experience is absorbed into our being and processed by the sub-concious to update our survival strategy. len

oh yes, cheek kissing, never allowed to kiss on lips because of 'germs' lol - my kids get HUGE smackers on theirs :-)))

Before I was 9 yrs. old I thought my mother was a beautiful princess and my father a handsome prince who could do no wrong. Since we lived abroad I was sent to boarding school till I was 14. When I returned home ( I had seen them for holidays etc) realised that they were normal people and this was a bit of a shock. I decided to rebel and since my mother smoked, I don't and since she shaved her legs I did not till I was 18!! The main gift they gave was their obvious affection for each other which has been passed to me.ie an ability to show affection to my husband. The one thing I hated was the required kiss at night. Though now I am about to be 57, I can't stand kissing them, they are both in there 80's and have always kissed my children on the cheek. It is the family joke that the children will enter therapy because of cheek kissing. Jeanie A.

i second that thought, this thread Must remain... when we have a down day we can look back at this thread and apprciate the great people we have become (Inspite or because, of our upbringings). xxxxto you all

well said Izzy Teresa and Carol. It's important to be told that you are loved no matter what your age. My two children aged 19 and 16 are told several times aday I love you and they do the same to me and infront of their friends and they both still kiss me goodnite and when they are going out. I always think that if anything should happen to me or them they will always know that they were loved. Is that being morbid I was never told as a child that my parents loved me. Lindax

Dont delete , Jean, Please leave it. i'm fascinated..so many differences, and so much interesting insight spawned from a thought i had when i was pegging out the washing. Jess x

Yes, Jean, I dont know if my parents loved me either, they never said and I know I was an utter disappointment to them. Still, its made me very slobbery over my own children and I tell them I love them every time I speak to them - and they say it back and mean it! I think I am far luckier than they were. OC

i think it does. We always needed permission to speak, which wasn't always granted, when I was growing up. Even now I don't really know my siblings well. If we tried to voice our opinion, my mother withdrew her love until we towed the line.The last time we were all together before my mother died, I found it so sad that even then we were careful what we said in front of her. Each time my brother spoke, he was always glancing at mum for approval.So sad for people in their 40's. So of course, my home is filled with love and laughter and my children are allowed to express their views freely.

Love to you Jean my Dad felt the same when his Mum died at 95. carolxxx

<<<<<<hugs for Jean>>>>>>> Of course it matters to know that you're loved Jean, getting older does not make you any less needy of love. I actually take great comfort knowing that the way i was treated as a young child now means that my 4 sons are growing up as loving affectionate young men not afraid to hug their parents and tell them they love them in front of their friends, to me that shows they are secure and comfortable in their family unit.

Sorry Jess. I realised I haven't answered your question. Yes my childhood has shaped me as an adult but in an opposite direction. Jean x.

My Mum is 90 next monthl. She is now housebound and I shop for her. She loves youghurts but one week I didn't double up and she only had enough for a week. When I arrived the following week I got a right royal telling off for not getting eough yoghurts. When I opened the fridge there were 4 youghurts in there. When I asked her why she hadn't eaten them she said then I wouldn't have had any left. I am as different from my mother as it is possible to be. She is a hoarder... can't bear to part with anything... has the minimum cheapest underwear, etc., although she could well afford nice things. As I leave her flat to do her shopping the words follow me out of the door 'if there is anything bogof then get it'. I am 68 years old and she has never told me she loves me (perhaps she doesn't I really don't know). It shouldn't matter at my age but it does. I constantly hug my daughters and grandchildren and always tell them how much they mean to me. Sorry to go on so long. I was going to delete this but it has been quite theraputic putting it on paper so I am going to press send. Jean x.

Interesting how many people also had 'odd' parents! Thought I was the only one, LOL. My brother and I have discussed this at length since both our parents died (we hardly spoke for years - my father was always playing one of us off against the other and I refused to play!). We think that my father suffered from a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome, and because he did not understand how the world works, felt a need to control everything so that nothing unexpected would ever happen - because if it did he would not know how to deal with it. Of course, this made our childhood an absolute misery and my mother a downtrodden slave. I can best illustrate him - when my mother died, very suddenly, my father rang her favourite brother to tell him. My father reported to me 'He's an odd sort of cove, he was laughing when I told him'. I pointed out that he was crying, not laughing. My father was absolutely stunned at this idea and said 'What makes you think he was crying? It sounded like laughing to me'. Now he has gone, I can think of him with sadness - he missed out on so much, everyone was terrified of him and avoided him. But he did make all our lives a misery and part of me blames my mum for putting up with it. Oh dear! OC

Yes, I think it does Jess. Christmas was always a big thing in our house when I was little, Mum & Dad always made sure we had what we needed, always plenty of food on the table.I think I've inherited that, I go a little over the top at family gatherings. Heather x

My Mum - was always cleaning. She had a different job for everyday of the week and it was always done come rain or shine. I always wanted to be like her she passed away when I was twelve and consquently being the only female in the house (dad and brother.) I was lef with all the household chores to do. I must admit that I found it very hard to keep up with things. Then dad met this woman( who I despised than and still do now) dad is no longer with us, she wasn't much help. The place was always such a mess and very run down.Always apologising to mates for the state of the place, but have found that as an adult I'm not houseproud like my dear mum and don't always keep the place as clean as I should and am still apologising to friends for the place being a mess. Lindax