General Chat

Hi Jess, I firmly believe that our childhood experiences shape the way we are as adults. As children we are impressionable and with this have an overwhelming need for un-conditional love from our significant others, usually parents, consequently as children we then learn to conform to our parents ways and belief's, even down to simple things like how the washing and ironing is supposed/should be done, in other words, through a fear of rejection we start to percieve and then believe our parents ways as being the correct way, and as children we don't usually question it. It's when we reach more independence and adulthood that we often start to question/challenge these experiences/ways and begin the process of changing them to suit who/what we REALLY are as opposed to what we believed we SHOULD be/are. My mother for instance never allowed us to have any friends in our house because she was so fanatical about the house being clean and tidy, as a child i really 'believed' this was the 'normal' thing, however as i matured i questioned this and eventually developed my own views..... so when i finally had my own children i did exactly the opposite to what she had believed to be correct, i.e... i did/do allow my children to have their friends in the house. In a nut shell i believe we loose sight of who we 'really' are purely because of childhood experiences but i strongly believe that this dose'nt have to be a permanent fixed state, because with awareness it can be amended and changed to suit your true self... Libby :))

In some ways I mirror my parents, in other ways I'm very different. For instance, my father used to spend every spare minute in the garden, and I was conscripted as a child... hence my long term dislike of gardening !

Dont get me wrong - i have no complaints about my childhood whatsoever- we had everything, well, everything they thought we needed ( rather than wanted!) Somehow, the washing thing has come back and bitten me on the bum - Mum just cant fathom that sort of thing now at all , and actually i derrive pleasure ( not quite the right word!) from making sure their laundry is done just so, and if Dad wants his pink shirt, its there , clean and ironed. Jess x

Maz - I think that's the problem with my Mum and was with her Mum too, they just haven't moved on since Rationing etc. We used to laugh because my Gran would darn her old stockings when they got holes in, yet she had a drawer of new ones - which were still there when she died. lol I know times were hard when my Mum was little (she was born 1941) and she grew up with a 'careful' attitude. I have to admit though that Mum's attitude isn't always a bad thing and it pushed her to make sure we were all independent individuals who could stand on our own two feet and manage whatever life chucked at us - that is a good thing. Kaye x

Kaye, mum still has to search the 'reduced' shelf in the supermarket, even though she can afford to buy whatever she wants - she won't get a cab anywhere either or spend on anything 'frivolous' - she also has drawers and cupboards of new clothes and undies she is saving for 'best'. At 83, I wonder when on earth she will wear them all! Maz. XX

My parents weren't overly affectionate with us. I show how much I love my family often with hugs etc. My mother also bought us a lot of second-hand clothes which I hated. I thought it was because we were poor because Mum always said 'I can't afford things like other people', but I found out later they could well afford new clothes they were just tight with their money. I was obsessed with my children having nice new clothes whether I could afford it or not. Susan

My mum was obsessive about cleaning and everything got ironed even underwear, socks, bedding etc, and Im sorry to say Im every bit my mum cos I do all the same. Mum also had 2 jobs, 1 full time and 1 evening, I also had 2 jobs, same as mum but mine were at weekends as well and I have recently finished my weekend job after 11 years working 7 days a week. The other thing mum and dad use to tell us if we had a day out and there was a fairground is dont ask to go on the fairground cos its a waste of money and even to this day I will not go on a fairground. My partner came from a very strict family and his mum wasnt particularly spotless, If he washes up etc I check after him to make sure he has done it properly. The only thing I have done differently to mum and dad is bought my own home and Im far better off than they were at my age. I think the way I was taught as a child has certainly stuck with me. As mum told me as a child, there is a place for everything. Quite right as well. Yvonnex

Hello Jess, I don't think there's much I do differently from my Parents. Mum (born 1910) was very organised and had a passion for clean laundry, so do I but I've a failing in that I'm not too keen on ironing it! Dad was very practical with his hands and so too am I, even to the point that unless my end result is perfect I have a little hissy fit all to myself and start over! I've also inherited Mum and Grandma's insistence on decent underwear. I think it must be that age old threat about being run over by a bus and caught with tatty underwear on! In the 'olden days' I'm talking about the 50's and 60's, past its sell by date underwear, both female and male, was consigned to a pillow case in the airing cupboard. Every now and again Mum, Grandma and I used to cut the cotton up into dusters/floorcloths and anything nylon and large enough was used to strain fruit for the jam. We now have my MIL (born 1917) living with us and I'm totally ashamed to put her underpinnings on the washing line, so it all goes on the bathroom radiator. I don't care how well mended they might be, streuth the woman could afford to buy up the whole of M & S's Eastbourne lingerie department! Maybe peeps might have thought it virtuous to make do and mend but in the words of my Grandma born in 1887. 'By all means darn the woollen socks it took ages to make, saves you knitting another pair for a while but never let your husband see you in darned underwear. The fact that she was a Court dressmaker and could probably knock up a pair of beautiful camiknickers in an hour was neither here nor there! For anyone who wants to see her wedding pic send me your email addy! Cherryxx

**Has a vision of Cherrys Grandma, flashing her handmde Cami-nicks in her wedding photo's!**

Tee hee Jess, I'll have you know that Grandma Grace was very well thought of among the cognescenti! Maybe she only took her beautiful camiknicks off the once as Papa was an only child! Cherryxx

My parents had me and my brother late in life and they were from the generation which taught children to be seen and not heard! We were teenagers in the sixties, the gap was like a chasm! We lost dad when I was 15, but during those first 15 years, he was a completely closed book. I found out more about him after he had died, than I knew of him while he was alive. Mother was totally unapproachable during my formative years and I found out most of what I needed to know through peers. When I began my family, I always promised myself that if I had a daughter, she would be able to come to me and discuss anything and everything. The same went for both my sons. Jen

Not me but the OH He eats FAST!!! Put a plate in front of him and its gone. I eat at a snails pace. Turns out if he didn't finish a meal before his mum the plate was removed, often with a fork halfway to his mouth. Me....We weren't allowed to leave the table until Dad had finished and that could be an hour!!! So we learnt to eat slowly..Nothing else to do. OH has slowed down but still finishes at least 15 mins before me. Chris

My mother was an obsessive cleaner. I am not. We were 'poor' and everything was make do and mend. Clean clothes ONCE A WEEK - if you got gravy down the front on the first day, tough! Home made clothes, often cut down from something else - and my mother was no great dressmaker. I have more knickers than M & S, never wear anything more than once, am obsessive about sorting my laundry into colours and have four wardrobes stuffed with clothes. My mother developed RA about ten years before she died and was practically immobile. My Dad spent so long weighing up the merits of various electric wheelchairs that she died before she got one. When my Dad died, I had to pay a huge amount in Inheritance Tax - he could have bought 20 electric wheelchairs without noticing. I also inherited his account books, in which he had recorded literally every penny spent during 52 years of marriage. We were NOT poor when I was a child - it was just my father obsessively hoarding every penny and my mother aiding and abetting him. OC

That is sad OC.....

My mother died when I was seven....my father re-married to a woman who thought that my function in life was to be her unpaid servant. Example: She used to have an afternoon nap......if I didn't get home from school in time to have a cup of tea waiting for her when she woke...........heaven help me. I still tend to wait on people more than is strictly necessary......always apologising if something isn't done on time (or sooner) Reg

this thread has been absolutley fascinating to read, i really feel like i've had an insight into each of your lives, both as children and many of you as parents. General opinion seems to be most definatley yes......though we don't realise it untill our later years. For me my birth family was pretty traumatic, thankfully my foster family gave me security ,comfort, trust and love unconditional (they continue to do so now also), this has influenced me greatly in the choices i have made with my own family. xxxxxfoster parentsxxxxxx

My Mum was very odd, looking back my sister and I can now see she was probably suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder, a result of her own father being a serial adulterer who abandoned the family several times. Her cleaning mania, locking us kids out of the house from 8am to 8pm was just trying to maintain some control. My own 'strange' childhood made me determined my own children would not suffer in the same way, I'm glad to say they didn't, nor did my sisters. In fact they have become very motivated and successful people. So there can be a positive outcome from bad things, but perhaps you need to see and understand what's happening.

My Mum - was always cleaning. She had a different job for everyday of the week and it was always done come rain or shine. I always wanted to be like her she passed away when I was twelve and consquently being the only female in the house (dad and brother.) I was lef with all the household chores to do. I must admit that I found it very hard to keep up with things. Then dad met this woman( who I despised than and still do now) dad is no longer with us, she wasn't much help. The place was always such a mess and very run down.Always apologising to mates for the state of the place, but have found that as an adult I'm not houseproud like my dear mum and don't always keep the place as clean as I should and am still apologising to friends for the place being a mess. Lindax

Yes, I think it does Jess. Christmas was always a big thing in our house when I was little, Mum & Dad always made sure we had what we needed, always plenty of food on the table.I think I've inherited that, I go a little over the top at family gatherings. Heather x

Interesting how many people also had 'odd' parents! Thought I was the only one, LOL. My brother and I have discussed this at length since both our parents died (we hardly spoke for years - my father was always playing one of us off against the other and I refused to play!). We think that my father suffered from a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome, and because he did not understand how the world works, felt a need to control everything so that nothing unexpected would ever happen - because if it did he would not know how to deal with it. Of course, this made our childhood an absolute misery and my mother a downtrodden slave. I can best illustrate him - when my mother died, very suddenly, my father rang her favourite brother to tell him. My father reported to me 'He's an odd sort of cove, he was laughing when I told him'. I pointed out that he was crying, not laughing. My father was absolutely stunned at this idea and said 'What makes you think he was crying? It sounded like laughing to me'. Now he has gone, I can think of him with sadness - he missed out on so much, everyone was terrified of him and avoided him. But he did make all our lives a misery and part of me blames my mum for putting up with it. Oh dear! OC