General Chat

As an only child myself I think your cousin is blocking out the enormity of the situation that every only child dreads.It is too much for him to handle and he is terrified. I doubt he would be able to cope if he were to come back to them and you might find yourself having to make arrangements for him as well.I would like to thank you on his behalf as he,I would think,is in too great a state of panic to think straight.

I really think you need to talk to your cousin face to face and tell him exactly what is going on. He needs to buck his ideas up. When he next comes to see his mother, be there and confront him. If you can get any other family members there as well it will help your case.
He must take responsibility for his mother or tell him you will take her to the doctors and will involve social services. That will mean any money will have to pay for carers/home help or a residential home! It may be enough to make him sort something out.
I hope you get somewhere with him.

Viv

The hospital have workers in place who can act if they see your aunt is in any danger to herself,,,,maybe a few days respite care could be put in place till things improve,,,,your cousin should by all dues be taking a more productive role in ensuring his mum is safe 24/7 while things are going on,,,,,,,,,

if your aunt should be able to get a home visit from the doctor,taking her will maybe add more to her confued state,,,infact insist he visits,,,poor lady must be missing her husband dreadfully,,,,,,,,,,

AL, Just wanted to offer my support in your sad situation. As to your cousin, I agree he may be thinking of himself a little and after the money. (I assume we are talking about an older person here as his parents are in their 80s?), but it may well be that he is in denial about losing his parents and about his Mother not being able to cope. None of us like to think that our parents are leaving us. Have you told him about the gas being left on etc? He must be told that it is not the responsibility of the neighbour to look after his Mother but it is his responsibility to find somebody who can. I realise this means it may cause a family rift. I think Social Services need to be involved. Is there a branch of Age Concern in the area where you can get advice? I feel sorry for the poor neighbour who is going to feel so guilty and responsible if anything happens to the poor lady.

It certainly sounds as if you are doing as much as you can and I really don't think you should cut the grass etc. Let it grow and tell your couin it needs doing, he sounds the sort to sit back and let you do it.

Are you in working for an organisation that has a staff welfare officer? If so speak to him/her about it, maybe you could qualify for a couple of days compassionate leave to take Aunt to the doctor.

(((hugs)))

Ann
Glos

The trouble is, and I don't want to sound horrible, but I don't want the responsibility for my Aunt - I want my cousin to sort things out. If I lived closer and could pop in every day, I would. Unfortunately it's a 4-6 hour round trip and with working full-time it's difficult. Fortunately I have a good employer and can book holiday at short notice of nip off early, if necessary from time to time, but I've never been one to take liberties and don't want to. Mum's not in the best of health and I have been taking time off to take her to the hospital, etc. Things really can't carry on like this, as I've come to work today and I'm absolutely shattered and I know I have a pile of ironing to go home to tonight! AL

What a sad state of affairs!
How would your cousin feel and your uncle too, if your Aunt accidentally set fire to the house and was badly burned or died, and it burned other houses too? Or she left the gas on and caused an explosion and other houses and people were affected too?
Despite it being a big worry for your Uncle I think maybe you need to type a letter giving you authority to look after Aunt by getting gp to come to her and see how she is not coping etc and the state of the house and garden, before you do any more tidying, cleaning etc, and he can then assess what needs to be done and also talk to the son and tell him his mother cannot be safely left alone. Your poor uncle is not going to be well enough to look after his wife for a while if at all, bless him, so something needs to be done as she is a danger to herself. Your cousin sounds like many I have come across who won't take responsibility for their parents and expects others to do things for them.
I hope you can get something sorted out without you or your Mum and sis, making yourselves ill.
Lizx

If mum goes to stay with Aunt one of us takes her and the other one willl pick her up. It usually means at least one of us taking a day off work as Aunt lives 2-3 hours drive away (depending on traffic). The way things are going I won't have any leave left to take a holiday myself this year! With regards to the money - from what my Aunt says it looks like he already trying to get it! I think he's worried that if she goes into a home it will all go on fees etc. The house is council - so there won't be anything there, but I think Aunt and Uncle are very comfortable! When I told uncle that cousin was going down tonight he said he's probably after more money! AL

Perhaps ask your sister to take gos and turns with your Aunt, if you mother can't manage all day ask her if she can manage a couple of hours that way you can get a bit of peace and catch up with things.

What you don't want is to make yourself ill, so rally round the whole family and all pull together.It is going to be a difficult time for you all, but also put pressure on the GP aswell

pound to a penny he'll be there pretty fast when they pop their clogs and take what he can - my Mum had a lovely elderly male neighbour whose son was in Canada. Neighbours did everything for him, visiting him in hospital, taking his pyjamas home to wash them, everything that needed doing and when he died, son came home, sold everything, didnlt repay neighbours in any way at all, either verbally or in kind, and buggered off back to Canada. I hope the same thing happens to him when his time comes

Hi All

I know the neighbour has spoken to the GP, but he said that unless my Aunt goes to see him he can't do anything. I'll wait and see if anything gets whilst he's down there this week. I don't know how long he's going to be staying. When he goes home I'll probably take time time off like you suggest Helen, and try to get her to the Doctors - which I know won't be easy! I also want to cut the lawn and tidy the garden up. I wanted to do the lawn this weekend, but it poured down. I cleared four bags of leaves from the steps a few weeks ago when I was down there - he does absolutely nothing. I want to do some housework too, clean the windows, etc, but she won't let me - but it really needs it! AL

Hi Ann

I agree, but when we even suggested he set up an internet shopping account to get their shopping delivered, he said it wasn't necessary. The neighbour is getting her shopping! When I go down I take her to the supermarket for a big shop. I visit every weekend when I know my cousin isn't visiting. He's starting to cotton onto this and is going less and less frequently. Consequently, I have a house that looks like a tip, a pile of ironing and a room that's been half decorated for ages! I've been trying to get my hair cut for about a month now, but keep having to cancel my appointments! AL

Hi AL, whatever the reason for his behaviour, your cousin sounds unlikely to act the way you think he should so, as these are two relatives for whom you care, and who won't be with you for many more years, I would bite the bullet and do what needs to be done yourself. Take some time off work, see the doctor with your aunt, speak to Social Services, whatever you think would help them at this time in their lives. You may not get any thanks but you will know you did the right thing by these elderly people and you seem the sort of person that cares. Good luck, all the best.

As Ann says you may have to put pressure on the hospital, if you get no help, complain. All hospitals have a complaints team and they should have a patient liason person who help you with any grievences.
They may say you are not next of kin but still give it a go.

Alternatively ring her GP yourself and ask them for advice. Don't speak to the receptionist but speak to the GP direct.

The next thing is to give your cousin a right royal kick up the backside. he needs to act now before its to late, but still offer the support for him so he has someone to share th problems with.

I wish you all the best and hope you find some help somewhere. Sometimes we all feel the system is fighting us.

that cousin is in need of a reality check and a wake up call toute suite - keep harassing him - he must do something

Hi LL

The hospital are aware of the situation. The problem is that no-one has taken Aunt to her GP and until they do, Aunt will not get any help. Mum told me I mustn't take Aunt, as it is up to my cousin, but to be quite honest I was going to take her on Saturday - but the surgery wasn't open. It was closed by the time I got there on Friday too. I've asked cousin to take her, but he says he doesn't think she needs to go as she isn't too bad! AL

what a predicament - you are going to have to get Social Services involved pronto - this dear lady is a danger to herself and seems to me she needs 24 hour care - first thing in the morning get cracking with the hospital and social services -bend their ear and make them listen - the hospital social worker should be your first port of call - best wishes to you

Speak to the hospital, they have social workers and also will put you in contact with a community team who may be able to give assistance or respite care for your Aunt whilst her husband is in hospital.

The hospital may be unaware of your Aunt's situation but will have come across a similar situation before. It's always worth a try.
Regarding your cousin, some people cannot cope with situations like these and he/she may be just frightened and unsure what to do for the best. Continue with support where you can but also gently encourage aswell.

Best of Luck

As many of you know my uncle is dying of cancer. He's 80 now and had a further op on Friday. He's in a very bad way. My aunt (his wife) has dementia. Uncle has been in hospital since Tuesday - his op was delayed due to other complications. My Aunt had been left of her own to cope (not very well). My cousin - their only child lives the other end of the country (moved there recently - when both parents were ill). Aunt was phoning everyone saying she had just come back from holiday and where was her family and saying that her mum was ill (she's died about 20 years ago). She seemed in such a bad way that I went to visit her straight from work on Friday night - totally unplanned, so I had to buy toileteries, clothes, etc en route! Took her to see uncle in hospital - about 40 mins from where they live and, as she was so confused, I stayed the night. Took her out for dinner Friday and then shopping and out for lunch on Saturday, then to hospital again. My Mum and sister then came down Saturday evening and stayed the night. After a few texts to my cousin he eventually went down tonight - but I don't know how long he's staying for. I don't know what to do - he will just go home and expect her to get on with things, but I worry about her. She wasn't going to lock the door Friday night, because she said some people had gone out and were going to stay the night - managed to convince her they weren't and that she should lock it. Then Saturday morning the kitchen stank of gas - I think she may have left the hob on - but it was off when I checked it. The smell went after a little while. I work about two hours drive from where she lives, so if I need to look after her I will need to have time of work. If I keep taking time off and looking after her, my cousin will do less than he does now. She won't come and stay with us as she wants to see uncle every day. My cousin's relying on the good nature of one neighbour - who only lost her own husband a couple of weeks ago, one other couple who have been friends with them for years (but they really don't help her/ring her/see her very often) and there was another lady who stayed with my aunt a few times, but she's just had a massive stroke - which I truly believe was contributed to because of her helping Aunt. All of these people are around 80 and it's too much for them. My mum has stayed with Aunt for several weeks whilst uncle's been in hospital, but Aunt gets her down too and mum always comes home feeling ill - she's 80 too and it's too much for her too. Every time you mention anything to my cousin he says "he doesn't want to argue"! I don't want to have a row with him because he has a lot on his plate at the moment, but he has to do something. Can anyone offer any suggestions? AL